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Welcome to Wild Week 2
All the fears that arose back then, they're back. But, crucially, I'm OK, I can sleep, I'm not in distress, I'm just reliving all that shit now. Calmly, as an observer of memory. Underline: calmly.
The most abstract fear of them all, was/is that I might have the ability to solve the mysteries of dark matter and dark energy, which solutions could possibly lead to weapons of impossible power, as Einstein's ability to solve general relativity led to atomic and thermonuclear weapons.
If there's such thing as a manic phase, I suppose thinking you could solve the mysteries of the universe qualifies. But Newton actually did it, then Einstein actually did it, and it's time for the next person to move the ball toward the goal. But should she.
Doesn't have to be me, could be anybody, could be a POC woman in Asia, right now writing her thesis, with her explanation for how the stochastic spread of possible pasts and potential futures (bidirectional causality intertwined with free will) explains the function of what we currently call dark matter and dark energy.
For me, during my Wild Week, this was the ultimate metaphor -- showing how speaking my mind could potentially destroy the universe, due to the creation of a stochastic time bomb.
Was chatting with B about it this morning, he said it sounded like a cool sci fi plot. But there was a time when atomic weapons were sci fi plots. Actually, no, there wasn't much of a sci fi industry before 1945.
Yeah, during my Wild Week I decided that science had progressed quite far enough, thank you. No need for me to provide the underlying theories that would allow for the creation of stochastic time bombs for use during World War 4.
Have I said too much already? It's too late, I said it already in Google chat with B. The algorithms have been tipped off. The ideas have left my brain, have escaped into the wild.
K said earlier, what "power" was I talking about, like a prophet? Not exactly. Like a scientist. You cannot control who will own the results of what you discover. Or what they will do with it.
A metaphor, for how I cannot predict the outcome of my everyday actions. I cannot know what will result from being me, from acting me. I could destroy the universe. Future generations might desire to travel back through time to strangle my grandfather.
Paranoia? Delusions? I was afraid of sharing these thoughts. A sort of recursive paranoia, that sharing my paranoia could enable what I most feared.
-----
That was a key plot point in Watchmen. Damn it.
I remember during my Wild Week, in the mental hospital, wondering whether Einstein wished he could take it all back.
-----
I'm OK. This is Bug receiving permission from K to talk about this stuff. He said it would be OK. I feared for the existence of the universe, for my own power to destroy it. That was the heart of my Wild Week, Easter weekend 2003. I thought I might kill us all by seeking and sharing truth.
But I didn't. I didn't kill us all. But this is why I probably won't try to work out the answer to dark matter and dark energy myself. But if I could do it, somebody else could. Somebody else will. Hopefully there will be no such thing as stochastic time bombs, heh. But ... I'm not going there myself ... nope ...
We don't have to explain everything.
The most abstract fear of them all, was/is that I might have the ability to solve the mysteries of dark matter and dark energy, which solutions could possibly lead to weapons of impossible power, as Einstein's ability to solve general relativity led to atomic and thermonuclear weapons.
If there's such thing as a manic phase, I suppose thinking you could solve the mysteries of the universe qualifies. But Newton actually did it, then Einstein actually did it, and it's time for the next person to move the ball toward the goal. But should she.
Doesn't have to be me, could be anybody, could be a POC woman in Asia, right now writing her thesis, with her explanation for how the stochastic spread of possible pasts and potential futures (bidirectional causality intertwined with free will) explains the function of what we currently call dark matter and dark energy.
For me, during my Wild Week, this was the ultimate metaphor -- showing how speaking my mind could potentially destroy the universe, due to the creation of a stochastic time bomb.
Was chatting with B about it this morning, he said it sounded like a cool sci fi plot. But there was a time when atomic weapons were sci fi plots. Actually, no, there wasn't much of a sci fi industry before 1945.
Yeah, during my Wild Week I decided that science had progressed quite far enough, thank you. No need for me to provide the underlying theories that would allow for the creation of stochastic time bombs for use during World War 4.
Have I said too much already? It's too late, I said it already in Google chat with B. The algorithms have been tipped off. The ideas have left my brain, have escaped into the wild.
K said earlier, what "power" was I talking about, like a prophet? Not exactly. Like a scientist. You cannot control who will own the results of what you discover. Or what they will do with it.
A metaphor, for how I cannot predict the outcome of my everyday actions. I cannot know what will result from being me, from acting me. I could destroy the universe. Future generations might desire to travel back through time to strangle my grandfather.
Paranoia? Delusions? I was afraid of sharing these thoughts. A sort of recursive paranoia, that sharing my paranoia could enable what I most feared.
-----
That was a key plot point in Watchmen. Damn it.
I remember during my Wild Week, in the mental hospital, wondering whether Einstein wished he could take it all back.
-----
I'm OK. This is Bug receiving permission from K to talk about this stuff. He said it would be OK. I feared for the existence of the universe, for my own power to destroy it. That was the heart of my Wild Week, Easter weekend 2003. I thought I might kill us all by seeking and sharing truth.
But I didn't. I didn't kill us all. But this is why I probably won't try to work out the answer to dark matter and dark energy myself. But if I could do it, somebody else could. Somebody else will. Hopefully there will be no such thing as stochastic time bombs, heh. But ... I'm not going there myself ... nope ...
We don't have to explain everything.