candid shot from the spycam
returning from the hike yesterday, with Dax, my hair wet & matted from wearing a hat in the cool humidity, bald spot for all to see :-) CandidBugDax.jpeg (281k file)
Entry tags:
your first October
I don't know why it feels new to tell myself that it's OK to relax and have fun. But it feels new. There's something about being on the spectrum that makes repetitive things feel new all the time.
Entry tags:
miss, will, again
I miss sucking cock and getting fucked. OK?
I will suck cock again, LOL.
-----
I'd forgotten about my superpower. Yeah, I can just calm down. I'd forgotten that. Even without meditation.
I will suck cock again, LOL.
-----
I'd forgotten about my superpower. Yeah, I can just calm down. I'd forgotten that. Even without meditation.
it still happens
that within 24 hours both T and K will recommend the same album to me
I think they would both like each other more now than they did then
not necessarily "boyfriend" like, but, like
I think they would both like each other more now than they did then
not necessarily "boyfriend" like, but, like
Entry tags:
some best recent memories of K
The past few overnights I asked K to push in the #4 butt toy after I'd warmed up, and he did, very well -- I should write a novel or something about how he'd come over, and I'd be in a jock strap, watching porn, listening to music, playing with butt toys, and he'd sit on the sofa, and we'd talk for hours. He'd just hang out, while I watched porn, and played with butt toys, and talked with him.
For hours.
We'd talk for hours, while I played with butt toys. While my cock was locked up. And we grew into this situation over more than a decade, across continents.
Last weekend, we joked about -- I've got the condo, I just need to find a fella who would live here and allow me to come over one or two nights per week and play with butt toys in front of him. He could live here rent-free. Just allow me to come over,
Watch me, talk with me,
Bear witness to the life I've constructed, as he did,
I'm OK :-)
For hours.
We'd talk for hours, while I played with butt toys. While my cock was locked up. And we grew into this situation over more than a decade, across continents.
Last weekend, we joked about -- I've got the condo, I just need to find a fella who would live here and allow me to come over one or two nights per week and play with butt toys in front of him. He could live here rent-free. Just allow me to come over,
Watch me, talk with me,
Bear witness to the life I've constructed, as he did,
I'm OK :-)
my last hour on earth with K LOL
He's so stressed, in the middle of moving his family across the country, leaving tomorrow!
But he made an hour to sit next to me, while drinking a beer and talking.
The next time I see him, he'll be living in Portland.
It's the right move for him and his family.
We'll start our weekly phone calls in a couple weeks. He thanked me for giving him space during this stressful period. I thanked him for coming over to see me anyway.
Love
(I offered him $20,000 to not move away, LOL)
But he made an hour to sit next to me, while drinking a beer and talking.
The next time I see him, he'll be living in Portland.
It's the right move for him and his family.
We'll start our weekly phone calls in a couple weeks. He thanked me for giving him space during this stressful period. I thanked him for coming over to see me anyway.
Love
(I offered him $20,000 to not move away, LOL)
it wouldn't be my journal if I didn't post this
Betting markets giving about an 8% chance that his COVID-19 infection will either kill or disable the President.
Entry tags:
30 minutes per day is cool
I dunno, 30 minutes of zazen per day seems sustainable so far? Feels like a manageable chunk of time. At least while I'm working from home during Quarantine. Yeah, let's stick with 30 minutes until After the Vaccine. Which is enough minutes for me to fall all the way into my zazen trance, if not to fall asleep entirely, regardless of the time of day or my caffeine level or whatever is stressing me out that day.
I'm not sure yet whether it can completely replace my use of muscle relaxers when my anxiety hits the red zone. I guess I'll find out next time it does?
Also, I thought today during the meditation, about how there's a similarity between: (a) what you eat affects your body; and (b) what you pay attention to affects your mind. I don't believe in a "separation" between body and mind, per se. But I should be at least as concerned about the crap I stuff into my mind, as the crap I stuff into my belly.
Which is why I should resume my news blackout. Can I possibly ignore the news until after the Associated Press calls the Presidential Election? I doubt it, but I should try ;-) Except for, as before, the daily, weekly, or monthly print media I subscribe to. That should be plenty. No clickbait.
I'm not sure yet whether it can completely replace my use of muscle relaxers when my anxiety hits the red zone. I guess I'll find out next time it does?
Also, I thought today during the meditation, about how there's a similarity between: (a) what you eat affects your body; and (b) what you pay attention to affects your mind. I don't believe in a "separation" between body and mind, per se. But I should be at least as concerned about the crap I stuff into my mind, as the crap I stuff into my belly.
Which is why I should resume my news blackout. Can I possibly ignore the news until after the Associated Press calls the Presidential Election? I doubt it, but I should try ;-) Except for, as before, the daily, weekly, or monthly print media I subscribe to. That should be plenty. No clickbait.
Entry tags:
practice bleeds
As I practice more zazen it bleeds into the rest of my waking life. That's probably the point.
I'm grumpy about how a work thing went down on Friday afternoon ... but the meditative part of me is saying, let's just breathe.
And I don't even know what to think about my last overnight with K before he moves away ... but the meditative part of me is saying, let's just breathe.
My first night to myself in a few weeks? Feels weird. So much of my energy into T, work, pets, and K. The rest into the various games I play, and my journaling. Sleep comes and goes.
Earlier this week I listened to one of my favorite podcast episodes, it's about "complicated grief" ... when the person you care about is either physically present but mentally distant (such as with dementia), or physically distant but mentally present ... as K is about to be.
Complicated grief.
But am I grumpy about work so I don't have to deal with the complicated grief, LOL.
As I said earlier, my 53rd problem is that I don't want to have either of these problems, having to work or K moving away. But if you sit still and breathe long enough ... problems reduce their brightness ... the body relaxes ...
But I still need to grieve. And I'm still grumpy about work, LOL. Problems reduce their brightness, but they never go away.
Spend more time meditating, to reduce their bightness more, but ...
Cry and rant also. Cry and rant also. Experience every human emotion. Sometimes, all of them within 24 hours. That's my longest running theme, if you've been reading all along. Every human emotion.
I'm grumpy about how a work thing went down on Friday afternoon ... but the meditative part of me is saying, let's just breathe.
And I don't even know what to think about my last overnight with K before he moves away ... but the meditative part of me is saying, let's just breathe.
My first night to myself in a few weeks? Feels weird. So much of my energy into T, work, pets, and K. The rest into the various games I play, and my journaling. Sleep comes and goes.
Earlier this week I listened to one of my favorite podcast episodes, it's about "complicated grief" ... when the person you care about is either physically present but mentally distant (such as with dementia), or physically distant but mentally present ... as K is about to be.
Complicated grief.
But am I grumpy about work so I don't have to deal with the complicated grief, LOL.
As I said earlier, my 53rd problem is that I don't want to have either of these problems, having to work or K moving away. But if you sit still and breathe long enough ... problems reduce their brightness ... the body relaxes ...
But I still need to grieve. And I'm still grumpy about work, LOL. Problems reduce their brightness, but they never go away.
Spend more time meditating, to reduce their bightness more, but ...
Cry and rant also. Cry and rant also. Experience every human emotion. Sometimes, all of them within 24 hours. That's my longest running theme, if you've been reading all along. Every human emotion.
K just reminded me about Bug's personality:
If you ever need me, I'll make it about myself, but it will all work out in the end.
I mean, nobody died.
LOL
I mean, nobody died.
LOL
Entry tags:
Welcome to Wild Week 2
All the fears that arose back then, they're back. But, crucially, I'm OK, I can sleep, I'm not in distress, I'm just reliving all that shit now. Calmly, as an observer of memory. Underline: calmly.
The most abstract fear of them all, was/is that I might have the ability to solve the mysteries of dark matter and dark energy, which solutions could possibly lead to weapons of impossible power, as Einstein's ability to solve general relativity led to atomic and thermonuclear weapons.
If there's such thing as a manic phase, I suppose thinking you could solve the mysteries of the universe qualifies. But Newton actually did it, then Einstein actually did it, and it's time for the next person to move the ball toward the goal. But should she.
Doesn't have to be me, could be anybody, could be a POC woman in Asia, right now writing her thesis, with her explanation for how the stochastic spread of possible pasts and potential futures (bidirectional causality intertwined with free will) explains the function of what we currently call dark matter and dark energy.
For me, during my Wild Week, this was the ultimate metaphor -- showing how speaking my mind could potentially destroy the universe, due to the creation of a stochastic time bomb.
Was chatting with B about it this morning, he said it sounded like a cool sci fi plot. But there was a time when atomic weapons were sci fi plots. Actually, no, there wasn't much of a sci fi industry before 1945.
Yeah, during my Wild Week I decided that science had progressed quite far enough, thank you. No need for me to provide the underlying theories that would allow for the creation of stochastic time bombs for use during World War 4.
Have I said too much already? It's too late, I said it already in Google chat with B. The algorithms have been tipped off. The ideas have left my brain, have escaped into the wild.
K said earlier, what "power" was I talking about, like a prophet? Not exactly. Like a scientist. You cannot control who will own the results of what you discover. Or what they will do with it.
A metaphor, for how I cannot predict the outcome of my everyday actions. I cannot know what will result from being me, from acting me. I could destroy the universe. Future generations might desire to travel back through time to strangle my grandfather.
Paranoia? Delusions? I was afraid of sharing these thoughts. A sort of recursive paranoia, that sharing my paranoia could enable what I most feared.
-----
That was a key plot point in Watchmen. Damn it.
I remember during my Wild Week, in the mental hospital, wondering whether Einstein wished he could take it all back.
-----
I'm OK. This is Bug receiving permission from K to talk about this stuff. He said it would be OK. I feared for the existence of the universe, for my own power to destroy it. That was the heart of my Wild Week, Easter weekend 2003. I thought I might kill us all by seeking and sharing truth.
But I didn't. I didn't kill us all. But this is why I probably won't try to work out the answer to dark matter and dark energy myself. But if I could do it, somebody else could. Somebody else will. Hopefully there will be no such thing as stochastic time bombs, heh. But ... I'm not going there myself ... nope ...
We don't have to explain everything.
The most abstract fear of them all, was/is that I might have the ability to solve the mysteries of dark matter and dark energy, which solutions could possibly lead to weapons of impossible power, as Einstein's ability to solve general relativity led to atomic and thermonuclear weapons.
If there's such thing as a manic phase, I suppose thinking you could solve the mysteries of the universe qualifies. But Newton actually did it, then Einstein actually did it, and it's time for the next person to move the ball toward the goal. But should she.
Doesn't have to be me, could be anybody, could be a POC woman in Asia, right now writing her thesis, with her explanation for how the stochastic spread of possible pasts and potential futures (bidirectional causality intertwined with free will) explains the function of what we currently call dark matter and dark energy.
For me, during my Wild Week, this was the ultimate metaphor -- showing how speaking my mind could potentially destroy the universe, due to the creation of a stochastic time bomb.
Was chatting with B about it this morning, he said it sounded like a cool sci fi plot. But there was a time when atomic weapons were sci fi plots. Actually, no, there wasn't much of a sci fi industry before 1945.
Yeah, during my Wild Week I decided that science had progressed quite far enough, thank you. No need for me to provide the underlying theories that would allow for the creation of stochastic time bombs for use during World War 4.
Have I said too much already? It's too late, I said it already in Google chat with B. The algorithms have been tipped off. The ideas have left my brain, have escaped into the wild.
K said earlier, what "power" was I talking about, like a prophet? Not exactly. Like a scientist. You cannot control who will own the results of what you discover. Or what they will do with it.
A metaphor, for how I cannot predict the outcome of my everyday actions. I cannot know what will result from being me, from acting me. I could destroy the universe. Future generations might desire to travel back through time to strangle my grandfather.
Paranoia? Delusions? I was afraid of sharing these thoughts. A sort of recursive paranoia, that sharing my paranoia could enable what I most feared.
-----
That was a key plot point in Watchmen. Damn it.
I remember during my Wild Week, in the mental hospital, wondering whether Einstein wished he could take it all back.
-----
I'm OK. This is Bug receiving permission from K to talk about this stuff. He said it would be OK. I feared for the existence of the universe, for my own power to destroy it. That was the heart of my Wild Week, Easter weekend 2003. I thought I might kill us all by seeking and sharing truth.
But I didn't. I didn't kill us all. But this is why I probably won't try to work out the answer to dark matter and dark energy myself. But if I could do it, somebody else could. Somebody else will. Hopefully there will be no such thing as stochastic time bombs, heh. But ... I'm not going there myself ... nope ...
We don't have to explain everything.
Entry tags:
I was most afraid of my own power
it's the solar eclipse again, eh? every 17 2/3 years, Bug's moon occludes Bug's sun,
but this time, Bug has seen it before, and Bug has companions who have seen me seeing it before, and more companions who haven't, and my own map from the other side, I saw it, earlier today, tucked behind some CDs on my desk's shelf, above my Xbox,
Damn if tonight didn't trigger every last trigger I had, I was back there, Wild Week, and telling K what I was most afraid of,
I was most afraid of my own power,
and K said tonight,
They have systems to take care of people like you, don't worry about it,
I said tonight, I didn't want to describe my Wild Week to anybody to the extent that other people would experience it with me, I didn't want anybody else to experience anything like that,
K said don't worry about it, he's kicking me over the heads of my (recursive) Wild Weeks, I'm flying toward the goal, and all I need to do is run with me, the ball, so I'm running with me, the ball, but this is Wild Week 2 right now, today begins, with the extra dose of meditation, the grumpiness about possibly having undiagnosed cancer, and now K moving away,
I'm gonna open up, folks, look away if you can't handle it, but I'm gonna open up, and we're all gonna stare at my power, of which I was most afraid, I was afraid it would hurt you
but this time, Bug has seen it before, and Bug has companions who have seen me seeing it before, and more companions who haven't, and my own map from the other side, I saw it, earlier today, tucked behind some CDs on my desk's shelf, above my Xbox,
Damn if tonight didn't trigger every last trigger I had, I was back there, Wild Week, and telling K what I was most afraid of,
I was most afraid of my own power,
and K said tonight,
They have systems to take care of people like you, don't worry about it,
I said tonight, I didn't want to describe my Wild Week to anybody to the extent that other people would experience it with me, I didn't want anybody else to experience anything like that,
K said don't worry about it, he's kicking me over the heads of my (recursive) Wild Weeks, I'm flying toward the goal, and all I need to do is run with me, the ball, so I'm running with me, the ball, but this is Wild Week 2 right now, today begins, with the extra dose of meditation, the grumpiness about possibly having undiagnosed cancer, and now K moving away,
I'm gonna open up, folks, look away if you can't handle it, but I'm gonna open up, and we're all gonna stare at my power, of which I was most afraid, I was afraid it would hurt you
Entry tags:
- 2020,
- k,
- quarantine
K is moving away
K already had the approval from his employer, they were waiting for approval from his boyfriend's employer -- came through today, while I was with K at the condo, I heard the phone call ... K told me immediately ...
At least it happened while I'm here with K, and at the beginning of our night together. Not a text message while I was by myself or ... something ...
I'm happy for them, sad for me, but sad for me because we're still in the middle of this pandemic and K is my only non-T social outlet right now, and my only sexual outlet right now.
I will have to find somebody to hang out with, in this Quarantine Bubble, other than T, or the next six months will be impossible. And I know I will find somebody, or somebodys. Life will be different, but I will move forward.
And after the pandemic is over, I will continue to see K every so often, it's just this fucking pandemic quarantine, I have to push back on the social isolation, just a bit,
As I said to K, and I meant it as a compliment, "You were just barely enough non-T social activity to get me through this."
I cannot replace K, but I can open up the bubble to others. I will.
At least it happened while I'm here with K, and at the beginning of our night together. Not a text message while I was by myself or ... something ...
I'm happy for them, sad for me, but sad for me because we're still in the middle of this pandemic and K is my only non-T social outlet right now, and my only sexual outlet right now.
I will have to find somebody to hang out with, in this Quarantine Bubble, other than T, or the next six months will be impossible. And I know I will find somebody, or somebodys. Life will be different, but I will move forward.
And after the pandemic is over, I will continue to see K every so often, it's just this fucking pandemic quarantine, I have to push back on the social isolation, just a bit,
As I said to K, and I meant it as a compliment, "You were just barely enough non-T social activity to get me through this."
I cannot replace K, but I can open up the bubble to others. I will.
Entry tags:
a major point
A big reason why I'm less worried about heading down a potentially dangerous zazen path these days is because I live with somebody who is a meditation teacher, who runs his own meditation group, and who is seeking further training from other accredited meditation teachers (I essentially lent him the $$$$ for his tuition, and paid for his trip to Nepal). To the extent zazen was/is dangerous as applied to me, I've got expert Buddhist support right here in the next room. Although T and I have had our issues over the years, I can definitely trust him with my mental health, that's pretty much why we got together in the first place, because he wanted to help me heal from my Wild Week. Which he did, help me heal from my Wild Week.
Also, more generically, I don't live alone as I had back then. Also, my father didn't just die last year. Also, I've been down this path before, and I'm much more aware of the perils of spiritual materialism, and I'm much more at peace with my Catholic upbringing. A lot has changed since 2003.
I'm surprised this time around by how much I take the perils of spiritual materialism seriously. I have such a different approach to Buddhism now. Skeptical isn't the right word ... it's more like I can clearly see the infinite population of barnacles that have overgrown the ship.
I do think something similar is about to happen, however. Something similar to what happened during my Wild Week. Not a psychotic break. But a political revolution inside my own body.
That's what the Wild Week was, a civil war inside myself, mainly a memetic civil war, that my body had to mediate. I'm not sure exactly what type revolution is about to occur this time, but I'm starting to sense it. Not so much a war between competing meme complexes, as a revolution against the meme complexes. A revolution that may already have succeeded.
The non-Ego parts of my self are tired of letting the Ego run things. Last time around the Ego conjured up a memetic civil war to distract everybody from throwing it under the bus. How will it try to defend itself this time? I think the non-Ego parts have a better chance this time. They're feeling stronger and more optimistic. They've been learning from their mistakes and failures. They may have already won. This time feels different already.
Also, more generically, I don't live alone as I had back then. Also, my father didn't just die last year. Also, I've been down this path before, and I'm much more aware of the perils of spiritual materialism, and I'm much more at peace with my Catholic upbringing. A lot has changed since 2003.
I'm surprised this time around by how much I take the perils of spiritual materialism seriously. I have such a different approach to Buddhism now. Skeptical isn't the right word ... it's more like I can clearly see the infinite population of barnacles that have overgrown the ship.
I do think something similar is about to happen, however. Something similar to what happened during my Wild Week. Not a psychotic break. But a political revolution inside my own body.
That's what the Wild Week was, a civil war inside myself, mainly a memetic civil war, that my body had to mediate. I'm not sure exactly what type revolution is about to occur this time, but I'm starting to sense it. Not so much a war between competing meme complexes, as a revolution against the meme complexes. A revolution that may already have succeeded.
The non-Ego parts of my self are tired of letting the Ego run things. Last time around the Ego conjured up a memetic civil war to distract everybody from throwing it under the bus. How will it try to defend itself this time? I think the non-Ego parts have a better chance this time. They're feeling stronger and more optimistic. They've been learning from their mistakes and failures. They may have already won. This time feels different already.
Entry tags:
I'm tempted to stop reading news media until after the election
Nothing I read, do, or say is going to affect the outcome. Reading the daily horse-race stories, looking at the polls, looking at the statistical models ... writing in my journal ... none of it is going to affect the outcome. I've requested my mail-in ballot, I know who I'm going to vote for, but it doesn't matter in Maryland, we're not a swing state. I'm not rich enough to make a dent in the fundraising totals of any candidate (and I already have monthly donations set up for some of them anyway).
I've tried going on news diets before, when I've felt overly anxious or spun up about things.
As for COVID-19, I'm sure when a vaccine is approved for use in the US I'll hear about it, even if I never visit a news website or turn on NPR. There's really nothing else to do about COVID-19 at this point except remain hunkered down as I've been, until there's a vaccine.
I've been such a news junkie for so long, would I really give it all up?
This is the sort of stuff I think about when I'm more committed to meditating. And Goddess Damn It, if there's anything I'm going to achieve this year, during Quarantine, as I turn 53, it is going to be establishing a daily meditation habit.
OK, let's see how long I can do a news blackout. Starting at approximately Noon on September 1, 2020.
I've tried going on news diets before, when I've felt overly anxious or spun up about things.
As for COVID-19, I'm sure when a vaccine is approved for use in the US I'll hear about it, even if I never visit a news website or turn on NPR. There's really nothing else to do about COVID-19 at this point except remain hunkered down as I've been, until there's a vaccine.
I've been such a news junkie for so long, would I really give it all up?
This is the sort of stuff I think about when I'm more committed to meditating. And Goddess Damn It, if there's anything I'm going to achieve this year, during Quarantine, as I turn 53, it is going to be establishing a daily meditation habit.
OK, let's see how long I can do a news blackout. Starting at approximately Noon on September 1, 2020.
Entry tags:
- 16′,
- 2020,
- 2027,
- 53,
- quarantine,
- retirement,
- tsunami,
- zen
53 = 16′
my 16th prime-number birthday approaches, during Quarantine, sweet 16′,
mainly I feel I don't have enough time,
this is why I fantasize about retirement, and then living by myself, having enough time, I never have enough time, I have way more things I want to do,
I shouldn't be surprised if before I retire, something happens, a health issue ... and then I have even less time, never enough time, I'll have to prioritize, what will I do during these three months I have left,
-----
what am I supposed to accomplish during the time I still have? I swing between obligations and freedom, under Quarantine, with my very few humans, my pets, my toys, my journals,
I was looking at an egalitarian intentional commune in rural Virginia, and my #1 question was, can I retire there, or will they require I work 42 hours per week like everybody else has to, yeah, I understand, you work to eat in a commune, but, retirement ... I could throw my income & assets at you, if you just allow me to live,
my dream of retirement in seven years and eighteen days, having a pension, Social Security, my home equity, my 401(k)-like TSP, it will be enough, especially if I move to a less expensive part of the planet, until the US falls apart ...
I expect that everything I have now will disappear between now and then, and I will rebuild, but ... then you will fall, then this will fall, I will rebuild as the tsunami, I won't even see it, my back toward the ocean, as I rebuild,
it's time to become a different species, a different kind of consciousness, something other than a brain, something without words,
mainly I feel I don't have enough time,
this is why I fantasize about retirement, and then living by myself, having enough time, I never have enough time, I have way more things I want to do,
I shouldn't be surprised if before I retire, something happens, a health issue ... and then I have even less time, never enough time, I'll have to prioritize, what will I do during these three months I have left,
-----
what am I supposed to accomplish during the time I still have? I swing between obligations and freedom, under Quarantine, with my very few humans, my pets, my toys, my journals,
I was looking at an egalitarian intentional commune in rural Virginia, and my #1 question was, can I retire there, or will they require I work 42 hours per week like everybody else has to, yeah, I understand, you work to eat in a commune, but, retirement ... I could throw my income & assets at you, if you just allow me to live,
my dream of retirement in seven years and eighteen days, having a pension, Social Security, my home equity, my 401(k)-like TSP, it will be enough, especially if I move to a less expensive part of the planet, until the US falls apart ...
I expect that everything I have now will disappear between now and then, and I will rebuild, but ... then you will fall, then this will fall, I will rebuild as the tsunami, I won't even see it, my back toward the ocean, as I rebuild,
it's time to become a different species, a different kind of consciousness, something other than a brain, something without words,
Entry tags:
self-interrogation questions I'm pondering
The human race does not seem to have ever embraced Green Communism on a global scale in the past, why do I think this can possibly happen now?
If it can possibly happen now, what am I going to do to help make this happen?
The interaction between my on-again-off-again Zen meditation with this all Green Communism stuff.
How would I voluntarily limit my own production/consumption to my own personal sustainable share?
If I could do this, why am I not doing it right now? If not now, when? What's my excuse for waiting?
If it can possibly happen now, what am I going to do to help make this happen?
The interaction between my on-again-off-again Zen meditation with this all Green Communism stuff.
How would I voluntarily limit my own production/consumption to my own personal sustainable share?
If I could do this, why am I not doing it right now? If not now, when? What's my excuse for waiting?
Entry tags:
porn "screen savers" & DS9
Yep, I play porn as screen savers at the condo, almost all the time while I'm awake on these weekend visits. Often on multiple screens.
Yes, I have multiple screens here, can watch something on the big TV, and something else on the Apple Display, and something else on either of the two laptops, and I can even pull out the iPad, heh, so many screens. Six screens if you count my phone, but I don't need to count my phone, that screen is too small! I max out at five screens.
I was just thinking, as porn plays to the side, as I watch DS9, that I'm probably living better than a Roman Senator did two thousand years ago. Climate control, innumerable food options delivered to my door, inexpensive intoxicants, and these hot guys taking their clothes off for me and having sex in front of me. Well, they aren't actually here, but, the screens are big enough. They may as well be here, fucking in front of me. Endlessly. On my command. Pause! Play! Louder! Mute!
Am I a porn addict? LOL, most days at the house I'm just working, doing chores, cooking, sleeping, walking the dog, staring out the window at the sky, staring at my phone, exercising. But as a chastity sub, when I have time to myself on a weekend, there's porn all the time. As background decor!
I think I wrote last weekend in my LJ about how spending time at the condo can feel like heaven. Far fewer chores, screens of porn, toys,
-----
I wanted to take a week off, Labor Day week, but yesterday I learned that a work deadline will make that impossible. T got to take a week off last week, but I'm not sure when I can take a week off. Maybe later in September? Sigh.
-----
"We're going to retake Deep Space Nine."
Rewatching season six.
Yeah, really dosing on these memories from Rockville 2005 here. It's like those Nostalgia memory pills they have in HBO's reboot of Watchmen. That's what triggers are, huh, -- like memory pills. Was that the intended metaphor? That show was so damned good. But Watchmen is a show from my present. DS9 is a show from my past. Watching DS9 is a bit like taking memory pills ...
The stated reason for creating Nostalgia pills in Watchmen was to combat dementia. I don't think I'm anywhere near the dementia stage yet. But when you've been alive for nearly 53 years, that's a lot of memories, more memories than you have time left to re-experience them. I have to condense the past to re-experience the past in the time I have left.
But we all do this, we condense our pasts to produce narratives that explain our lives. These narratives can sometimes feel more important than our bodies, than our lives. These narratives form identities, that we project into and defend from our social spaces.
-----
I had the beard already when I met T, he was post-beard, post my father's death, post my Wild Week and post my weekend in the mental hospital,
I remember the night we met, I remember how he checked off nearly all my boxes in the weeks afterward. The uncontrollable crush I had on him. Moving in with him a year later. The re-transformation back into a suburban house dweller. But this time, not with parents, not with siblings, but with pets and a boyfriend.
I've led a relatively radical life from that suburban house, heh. Sort of.
-----
One of the benefits of rewatching a TV series I've already seen, or relistening to an audiobook I've already listened to, is that I don't have to pay attention to everything that happens. I can do other things, like typing this journal entry, while the repeated narrative plays in the background.
Repeated narratives can be screensavers also, or soundsavers? or both?
Like the porn. Surrounded by screens, living better than a Roman Senator. But right now I'm alone in this condo. Alone, for one night of this week.
My recent pattern is that six nights per week I'm not alone, and I'm OK with this ... divide ... between social living and Time to Self. But I'm not sure what I'm going back to tomorrow. T is fed up. Pandemic, isolation, relationship issues, career issues, etc. And, yes, a cat spilled a glass of water ... if a cat hadn't spilled a glass of water, this entire week would have been different.
Yes, I have multiple screens here, can watch something on the big TV, and something else on the Apple Display, and something else on either of the two laptops, and I can even pull out the iPad, heh, so many screens. Six screens if you count my phone, but I don't need to count my phone, that screen is too small! I max out at five screens.
I was just thinking, as porn plays to the side, as I watch DS9, that I'm probably living better than a Roman Senator did two thousand years ago. Climate control, innumerable food options delivered to my door, inexpensive intoxicants, and these hot guys taking their clothes off for me and having sex in front of me. Well, they aren't actually here, but, the screens are big enough. They may as well be here, fucking in front of me. Endlessly. On my command. Pause! Play! Louder! Mute!
Am I a porn addict? LOL, most days at the house I'm just working, doing chores, cooking, sleeping, walking the dog, staring out the window at the sky, staring at my phone, exercising. But as a chastity sub, when I have time to myself on a weekend, there's porn all the time. As background decor!
I think I wrote last weekend in my LJ about how spending time at the condo can feel like heaven. Far fewer chores, screens of porn, toys,
-----
I wanted to take a week off, Labor Day week, but yesterday I learned that a work deadline will make that impossible. T got to take a week off last week, but I'm not sure when I can take a week off. Maybe later in September? Sigh.
-----
"We're going to retake Deep Space Nine."
Rewatching season six.
Yeah, really dosing on these memories from Rockville 2005 here. It's like those Nostalgia memory pills they have in HBO's reboot of Watchmen. That's what triggers are, huh, -- like memory pills. Was that the intended metaphor? That show was so damned good. But Watchmen is a show from my present. DS9 is a show from my past. Watching DS9 is a bit like taking memory pills ...
The stated reason for creating Nostalgia pills in Watchmen was to combat dementia. I don't think I'm anywhere near the dementia stage yet. But when you've been alive for nearly 53 years, that's a lot of memories, more memories than you have time left to re-experience them. I have to condense the past to re-experience the past in the time I have left.
But we all do this, we condense our pasts to produce narratives that explain our lives. These narratives can sometimes feel more important than our bodies, than our lives. These narratives form identities, that we project into and defend from our social spaces.
-----
I had the beard already when I met T, he was post-beard, post my father's death, post my Wild Week and post my weekend in the mental hospital,
I remember the night we met, I remember how he checked off nearly all my boxes in the weeks afterward. The uncontrollable crush I had on him. Moving in with him a year later. The re-transformation back into a suburban house dweller. But this time, not with parents, not with siblings, but with pets and a boyfriend.
I've led a relatively radical life from that suburban house, heh. Sort of.
-----
One of the benefits of rewatching a TV series I've already seen, or relistening to an audiobook I've already listened to, is that I don't have to pay attention to everything that happens. I can do other things, like typing this journal entry, while the repeated narrative plays in the background.
Repeated narratives can be screensavers also, or soundsavers? or both?
Like the porn. Surrounded by screens, living better than a Roman Senator. But right now I'm alone in this condo. Alone, for one night of this week.
My recent pattern is that six nights per week I'm not alone, and I'm OK with this ... divide ... between social living and Time to Self. But I'm not sure what I'm going back to tomorrow. T is fed up. Pandemic, isolation, relationship issues, career issues, etc. And, yes, a cat spilled a glass of water ... if a cat hadn't spilled a glass of water, this entire week would have been different.
