VirtualExile

I'd thought the "K moved away" emotions would hit me hardest after two or three weeks went by, because during Quarantine we've only seen each other once every week or two on average, and maybe they still will hit me hardest then, but I was surprised by the strength of the emotions I felt within 24-48 hours of our final pre-move visit on Friday evening.

Probably the worst so far was when I got back to the house on Sunday afternoon and was feeling the sort of normal anxiety I feel when I transition between condo and house.  Strangely, I don't feel a similar anxiety when I transition from house to condo, because going to the condo feels like a vacation, whereas returning to the house feels more complex and is also tied together with returning to work, returning to T, returning to chores ... and historically I'd never know what sort of mood I'd find T in after I spent time with K.  And here I was having emotions about K, would T be supportive anyway?

I think it is important to feel my emotions without adding extra drama to them.  Nothing wrong with tears when a beloved person moves away.  But it's not The End of the World.

I texted briefly with K yesterday, they were en route to Madison from Cleveland -- they're driving the car and dog and valuables across the country over 5 days, and will probably beat the movers to their apartment by a few days.  I told K that he could have a couple weeks before we started our weekly phone calls, because he'll probably be so busy and disoriented next weekend.

Anyway ... a pretty normal Monday morning here at the house.  Chores, running, weight lifting, work.  A three-day weekend ahead, I'll spend most of it at the condo at T's request (he's got a multi-day meditation retreat).  I may start branching out my condo activities beyond the toy play that has been my main focus -- maybe set up a gaming console, rationalize the nest of electrical and network cables under the TV, some deeper cleaning of the bathroom, etc.  Making the place more of a Bug zone now, less of a shared K & Bug zone.  What would I like the place to mean for me over the next couple years?

Ugh, having to wait until After the Vaccine to engage in so many activities.  It will be tough to refill the space K leaves behind until then.  No monthly spanking parties is just one example.  So many other social activities, both kinky and non-kinky, curtailed -- I'd put a lot of emotional weight on "At Least I Still Get to See K."  But I will find stuff to do.

I remember after K moved out of the house, I temporarily filled my life with creating my own music.  If there's one constant in my adult life, I do not get bored, I do not give up, I keep busy and move forward -- I usually have too much going on in my life, not too little.

With K leaving for Portland today, my first symbol of change/liberation/grief/acceptance was to briefly unlock my cock for the sole purpose of shaving my pubes.  Sir Zero likes Full Bush, but I probably won't see him again until it has time to grow back, LOL.

Smooth balls.  Locked back up.  I brought the Cum Deck with me, I may begin consulting it tomorrow.  If I choose to draw a card tomorrow, chance of having an orgasm is 1/9.  But I'm playing with the destructive rule, so there's only six orgasm cards available between now and After the Vaccine ... so I should choose whether to draw wisely.

I don't have to draw a card tomorrow.  Why should I ever draw a card?  Why do I ever need an orgasm?

I don't know.  But if I ever want an orgasm, I'll have to submit to the Cum Deck.  Or drag another fella to have sex with me, and beg him to allow me to cum.  But they usually say "no".  They like saying "no".

K informed me that the condo is free tonight after all, so I changed plans and quit work at 2pm.  Now at condo.  He also said he'd be free for a bit before 7:30pm, so I expect to see him briefly within the next few hours -- he's got one last load of stuff to pick up from the condo to take with him.

Slept in a bit this morning after some time outside in the hot tub last night, and went running, and did my weight lifting, some chores, some work tasks.  So haven't meditated yet.  Not sure whether I will, or whether I'll finally award myself one day off from meditating after doing it every fucking day for over a month and then deciding 30 minutes is the sustainable amount moving forward.  Which would mean resetting at 15 minutes tomorrow and moving back up 5 minutes per day.  Part of me is screaming, "We need a day off, we won, it will be OK."  Hmm.  The penalty of not posting in my journal again until I meditate tomorrow morning is not winning out.  Not gonna do it.

Nope.  I'll do 15 minutes tomorrow, and 20 minutes on Sunday.  That's a much more digestible idea right now.

I didn't fall asleep again, but I didn't wait until bedtime either.  I'm starting to feel like there's no additional advantage to meditating beyond 30 minutes.  But I don't want to quit the game yet, I've been able to learn minute-by-minute what different periods of meditation feel like, and I'm learning how I would fit them into my life.  I will continue with the incrementing until the meditation just won't fit.  I'm not going to sacrifice any of my exercise routines, or quit my job, or stop eating/cooking, etc.  At some point, and that point is getting closer every day, it just won't fit.

But 30 minutes of meditation is more than enough for my brain to calm down and enter a trance-like state.  I'm just not sure what the point is of spending more time in that state.  Perhaps I'll find out.  Perhaps I won't.

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Today was a relatively quiet work day, and I was able to get things totally organized and prioritized.  I sorted through all the stacks of papers, got some file folders.  Sorted through all the emails in both Sent and Inbox and filed them into virtual folders.  Created a written To Do list with due dates and interim steps.  Hopefully this will reduce my stress level for a while.

I also ran, and did all my weightlifting.  Yesterday I stretched, did a dance video, and an abs workout.

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A poly person on Reddit wrote about how one of her partners is packing up to move away with his other partner, and she's feeling totally wrecked by it, is looking for online support.  I thought, I'm going through something similar, but I'm not feeling totally wrecked by it.  I guess everybody is in different stages of grief, different places in their lives.  Maybe self esteem is part of it?  I remember when I was single and dating around, sure occasionally I'd get pissed off at rejection, or feel sad about it.  But I also never took it too personally.  [Not that K's move is in any way a rejection of me.]  I consider myself to be attractive in a variety of ways, even though after 10+ years with each of my partners I've heard plenty of criticism from them about my personality, at times.  I know I'm not perfect, I know I'm not everybody's cup of tea.  But I don't think I'll spend the rest of my life alone or anything like that.

But, let's wait until 2-3 weeks after K has moved away, when the physical reality sets in.  I expect by then I'll already be on the hunt for a different play partner.  I'll have a conversation with Sir Ben about our current Quarantine Bubbles to see whether we can resume seeing each other yet.  I'll also contact Robin for a similar conversation.  And there may be other options.  I was thinking of creating a Recon profile for the sole purpose of reconnecting with people I already know -- my profile would say that I'm not looking to meet anybody new until After the Vaccine.

Not that K is so easily replaced.  But we'll have our weekly phone/Skype calls, and After the Vaccine we'll resume seeing each other occasionally via air travel and going on vacations together.  And who knows what the future will bring, after I retire I might move somewhere else.  T wants us both to move to Seattle, which would be much closer to Portland (if K & C are even still there 7 years from now).  I'm curious about moving back to the Midwest, closer to where I was born, although I don't know many people in the Wisconsin/Chicago/Michigan area anymore.  Also curious about something like a Peace Corps stint, those are usually for two years.

I guess I just don't envision myself as being devastated by this.  I don't mean to judge other people who do feel devastated when a loved one moves away.  I just don't put all my relationship eggs in one basket, and I maintain a healthy self esteem, and I keep in touch with other potential play partners, and I have friends and family, ... K moving away could open up enough space in my life for an entirely new partner, either somebody I've already met, or somebody new.

My relationship with K has gone through many changes.  I'll be OK.

K said he and his boyfriend are planning to leave DC for Portland (OR) on October 4th.

We've made plans to spend Saturday night at the condo together.  After that I'll have three weeks left for potential K dates.  That sounds dramatic, heh.  I know he'll be back from time to time, his employer is here, his condo is here.  And after the Vaccine I can visit him in Portland outside of Fire Season.  [Personally I'm not willing to get on an airplane right now, and Portland is too far to drive for a short visit.]

I keep saying I'll have to expand my Quarantine Bubble after he leaves, to have a social outlet other than T, to have a sexual outlet other than porn & toys (these two outlets don't necessarily have to be the same person, but it was convenient with K that we could both talk for hours and fuck for hours during our biweekly dates).  People I already know and trust will have first dibs on Bubble roles, but I know everybody is making their own Bubble decisions and I can't just crash everybody else's Bubbles.  If I have to dip into the apps again I may go with something more date-oriented like OkC, and there's always Recon.  Grindr is probably too hookup-oriented for Quarantine.  Even my repeat visitors from Grindr often kept their personal details secret, but during a pandemic I'll need more transparency -- for potential contact tracing, bros!

K did a good job of warning me ahead of time that they'd be moving, so I had plenty of time to adjust to the eventuality; then he literally told me as soon as he knew it was confirmed, and now he's told me the date.  After he moves we'll set up weekly phone calls to keep in touch.  And then we'll see each other as we can.