VirtualExile

Has been a ... week ... since K left ... (not a Wild Week, heh) ... but I'm OK.  It's weird how my complex grief is turning into proprietary chores at the condo and music therapy, but, it's OK.  I'm fine.

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I feel like the best part of my job is when I'm giving advice to people 20 years younger than me.  They call that wisdom, I guess?  Yesterday I felt really proud of how I'm mentoring my team.  I feel underappreciated by my boss, forever, LOL, always, because I supply strengths to the organization that he lacks and doesn't care about.  Subversive management.

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It's good to have three nights here.  I'm grateful K is allowing me to hold onto the condo for him.  This space is very important to me.  I wonder if I would move in here and then I realize I already have.  I have two homes.  This is home.  That is home.  Home Home!  Proprietary, territorial, yes.

I'd thought the "K moved away" emotions would hit me hardest after two or three weeks went by, because during Quarantine we've only seen each other once every week or two on average, and maybe they still will hit me hardest then, but I was surprised by the strength of the emotions I felt within 24-48 hours of our final pre-move visit on Friday evening.

Probably the worst so far was when I got back to the house on Sunday afternoon and was feeling the sort of normal anxiety I feel when I transition between condo and house.  Strangely, I don't feel a similar anxiety when I transition from house to condo, because going to the condo feels like a vacation, whereas returning to the house feels more complex and is also tied together with returning to work, returning to T, returning to chores ... and historically I'd never know what sort of mood I'd find T in after I spent time with K.  And here I was having emotions about K, would T be supportive anyway?

I think it is important to feel my emotions without adding extra drama to them.  Nothing wrong with tears when a beloved person moves away.  But it's not The End of the World.

I texted briefly with K yesterday, they were en route to Madison from Cleveland -- they're driving the car and dog and valuables across the country over 5 days, and will probably beat the movers to their apartment by a few days.  I told K that he could have a couple weeks before we started our weekly phone calls, because he'll probably be so busy and disoriented next weekend.

Anyway ... a pretty normal Monday morning here at the house.  Chores, running, weight lifting, work.  A three-day weekend ahead, I'll spend most of it at the condo at T's request (he's got a multi-day meditation retreat).  I may start branching out my condo activities beyond the toy play that has been my main focus -- maybe set up a gaming console, rationalize the nest of electrical and network cables under the TV, some deeper cleaning of the bathroom, etc.  Making the place more of a Bug zone now, less of a shared K & Bug zone.  What would I like the place to mean for me over the next couple years?

Ugh, having to wait until After the Vaccine to engage in so many activities.  It will be tough to refill the space K leaves behind until then.  No monthly spanking parties is just one example.  So many other social activities, both kinky and non-kinky, curtailed -- I'd put a lot of emotional weight on "At Least I Still Get to See K."  But I will find stuff to do.

I remember after K moved out of the house, I temporarily filled my life with creating my own music.  If there's one constant in my adult life, I do not get bored, I do not give up, I keep busy and move forward -- I usually have too much going on in my life, not too little.

Now that K has left the condo, but the night is still young, how about I sit for 30 minutes after all.  Let's use this new superpower of mine in the face of this complex grief.  He's still in my life, but now he's physically distant.  I'll be OK, but my life is changing -- and his is changing way more, for the better.

And, WTF, I should definitely meditate while wearing a butt plug again, that made it feel like forever last time.  Not the same sort of trance/sleep outcome LOL.  Unify my politics of self.  Butt plug meditation.

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OK, it's best I saved the (butt plug) meditation for after seeing K, although that wasn't really any sort of plan.  Or, was it?

And it was, truly, the most perfect meditation I've done in this series.  I was focused on the breath all the way through, it was tight.  It was necessary.  No Frog Brain.  No trance.  No sleeping.  This was tight.

I definitely feel like it was always will be NOW -- this Bug -- this Bug decided that past Bug should pick up Buddhism, should pick up Zen, should practice meditation, and all these years later -- after my father's death, after the Wild Week, after my relationship with T, and then the triad with K, and the breakupssssss, and my holding onto both/all of themssssss,

Tonight is why I started meditating before I even met these guys.  I had to work up to it, so I'd be ready to meditate tonight.

Tonight is why I spent a year or so facing all my triggers.

I had to be ready for tonight.  And I was.

Give me 30 minutes of meditation per day, and I'm OK.