VirtualExile

Right now T is leading his online meditation class.  During the ride back from the car dealership, we talked about my recent unbroken string of daily meditation (10 days!) and the mini-redux of my Wild Week over the weekend, after I learned that K was moving away.  A bigger dose of meditation than usual that morning, plus sad news, plus remembering how that LJ friend of mine had told me that meditating without a sangha was "dangerous" ... had reminded me of scary things that happened inside my head during my Wild Week.

But I talked calmly with T about it, about how in this current meditation breakthrough I'm thinking about things much differently from the way I did a third of my life ago.  Back then, studying zen and practicing meditation led to a sort of memetic civil war inside my Ego, the progressive Buddhist meme complex vs. the conservative Catholic meme complex.  It felt like I was trying to uproot beliefs that had been laid down by my family elders from the moment I'd been born, so I could replace them with a new set of beliefs.  After open memetic civil war broke out, I felt I had to make peace with both traditions.

This time ... it feels more like an overthrow of the Ego.  That's the way Ego thinks of it, anyway, as he writes in this journal.  I'm being overthrown by the forces of zen!  (Less than 2% of my waking hours have been taken over by zazen, so) I've been overthrown!  Not a civil war, but a kidnapping!  Yeah.  Right.

But even this narrative isn't exciting me.  I'm feeling post-narrative.  Why does the Ego keep telling these narratives?  Why does the Ego need this illusion of knowing what's really going on?

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And then I spoke with T about a good friend of ours who seems to be going through a memetic civil war of his own right now, viewing what he's going through as this titanic struggle between how he was brought up and who he wants to be now.  It's quite traumatic for him.  But ... is it really?  I mean, sure, he's definitely having a difficult time, but ... from the point of view of T and me, who are significantly older ... it's just his Ego producing a compelling narrative to explain how he feels.

Some cognitive psychologists who study how we think have found evidence that first we arrive at our conclusions, then we create narratives to explain them to others.  First we feel our emotions, then we create narratives to explain them to others.  Even to explain them to ourselves.  That we believe these narratives.  I'm feeling anxious, therefore, it must be because I'm worried the universe is going to end, or something.  I'm feeling jealous, therefore, it must be because my partner is cheating on me.  I'm feeling depressed, therefore, it must be because I'm always going to be alone.

Sometimes we use the term "drama" to refer to people's outlandish emotional tirades because that's sort of what it is.  A narrative that somebody has produced to explain their feelings.  A narrative that outsiders may view as inauthentic, because it contains way more than is truly necessary to explain what's going on.

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In my own case, 1/3 of my life ago, my father had passed away, and I was grieving this loss, and coming to terms with becoming an orphan.

In my friend's case, he feels guilty for cheating on, and lying to, his husband -- and so they're getting a divorce.

These are much simpler narratives than the one I told myself back in 2003, and the one my friend is telling himself in 2020.

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I think if you study zen and practice meditation, over a long period of time, even if only off-and-on like I have, I think you can begin to see the nature of your Ego's narratives about what it is feeling.  Can begin to see through all the excess ornamentation and drama.  OK, why are you upset?  Yeah, that sucks.  Here, would you like a sandwich and a hug?  How about a warm bed and a fleece blanket?  Rewatch an episode of your favorite TV show?  Listen to your favorite album?

I mean, there is a reason you're upset.  But most of the story you're telling about why you're upset is unnecessary.  Try limiting it to one sentence.  The TL;DR; of your Ego's narrative.

If you spend enough time dragging that Frog Brain back to your breath, you may come to realize that most of what your Frog Brain says is bullshit.  It loves to hear the sound of its own voice.  It loves to turn everything into a titanic struggle.  Until this feeling goes away, and another feeling arises, then we need a new narrative to explain the new feeling.  So get busy writing up a new narrative!

I posted two private entries this morning because I was pissed off at somebody.  Back on LJ I would often post these types of entries in "friends only" mode, but I'm sticking with the pubic/private-dichotomy guardrail for this new journal.  If I won't say it in public, it won't be visible to anybody except me.

Also, I've avoided posts that are purely my observations of news stories, the stock market, the economy, the pandemic, and other current events.

I'm thinking of taking a look at the various party platforms, though, and writing about those.  If I have time.  Maybe in the context of the history of party platforms in the US.  I was looking at the earliest platform of the Democratic party, from 1840 -- 180 years ago!  The 1840 platform was pro-slavery, of course.  Imagine being a partisan Democrat and having to defend slavery.

I sometimes wonder why modern-day Democrats give their own party a pass for its violent defense of slavery during the 19th Century, and then its violent defense of segregation during the 20th Century.  Has the Democratic Party truly owned up to its past?  Has it admitted guilt, asked for forgiveness, made restitution?  Should the Democratic Party be dismantled and replaced with a new party that isn't blood-stained with historic racism?

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I'm still pissed off from this morning, however.  Also feeling heartbroken.  Feelings.

I know everybody exhibits a combination of selfishness and altruism, but it still hurts when something I intend as altruism is interpreted as selfishness by the recipient.

I vented to K about it this morning, he said he hopes it doesn't wreck my weekend.  I hope it doesn't either.  But if it does, there will be other weekends to enjoy in the future.  I can spend one weekend feeling pissed off and heartbroken, and learning from these feelings.