zen at 3am

Woke sweaty from my dreams, so I need a break from dreams, so I completed my daily meditation, so now I can post in my journal, LOL.

This is how it's going to stick, I think.  If I have time to post in my journal, I have time to meditate first.

-----

While I was at the condo yesterday, T texted me to say he was feeling sick.  I asked him what kind of sick, and as he relayed his symptoms I had no worries.  He was just feeling stressed and lonely, but interpreting his ailment as physical sickness.  I told him when I'd be home, that I'd cook dinner and then put him to bed early.  And that's what I did, but first we had a heart-to-heart talk after dinner about the various stressors we're each feeling.  Work stress, social isolation, anger at the state of the world, anger with specific people.

But I said to him, now is not the time to throw specific friends or partners under the bus for underperforming, because we're all underperforming, the entire human race is underperforming, we're all stuck in this Pandemic state of underperformance.  Whether you personally think people are over-reacting to COVID-19, or under-reacting to COVID-19, we're all facing limitations in what we can do and how we can do it.  Everybody is feeling frustrated with other people, with the situation, or with themselves.

-----

One of my frustrations is that I wanted an entire week off from work, and then to spend most of that week by myself at the condo.  I picked a week two months ahead of time, worked it out with everybody ...  Now that's not happening!  Work demand levels are too high for me to take an entire week off right now, and with T feeling lonely I'm also concerned about leaving T alone for that long.  Grrrrrr.

But I have other frustrations.

I'm frustrated that despite having a shrunken social life and no daily commute, that I nevertheless feel like I have less free time than before.  I used to take more time off work for fun and relaxation, I used to get more Time to Self at the house, I didn't used to feel like T was so dependent upon me as practically his only social outlet.  I have to do more chores, because we're all at the house all the time (me, T, and Dax) -- there's more dishes to do, more grocery shopping to do, more dog walks required, etc.

T admitted during our talk that he'd expected during Quarantine he'd have time to tackle all sorts of projects around the house, but instead he just doesn't feel like doing anything.  He does recognize that I get tired of doing chores, he understands I need the break of going to the condo.  He juggles needing a break from having me around all the time, and his own social isolation.  His job has also become much more stressful as it is related to the government's public health response, during this public health crisis.

-----

We're not going back to normal for a while, so ... I'll just continue juggling frustrations and negotiating breaks at the condo where I can temporarily feel like I'm in Heaven.

I'm tempted to stop reading news media until after the election

Nothing I read, do, or say is going to affect the outcome.  Reading the daily horse-race stories, looking at the polls, looking at the statistical models ... writing in my journal ... none of it is going to affect the outcome.  I've requested my mail-in ballot, I know who I'm going to vote for, but it doesn't matter in Maryland, we're not a swing state.  I'm not rich enough to make a dent in the fundraising totals of any candidate (and I already have monthly donations set up for some of them anyway).

I've tried going on news diets before, when I've felt overly anxious or spun up about things.

As for COVID-19, I'm sure when a vaccine is approved for use in the US I'll hear about it, even if I never visit a news website or turn on NPR.  There's really nothing else to do about COVID-19 at this point except remain hunkered down as I've been, until there's a vaccine.

I've been such a news junkie for so long, would I really give it all up?

This is the sort of stuff I think about when I'm more committed to meditating.  And Goddess Damn It, if there's anything I'm going to achieve this year, during Quarantine, as I turn 53, it is going to be establishing a daily meditation habit.

OK, let's see how long I can do a news blackout.  Starting at approximately Noon on September 1, 2020.

the initial un-focus is to focus on the un-focus

Every time I restart meditation, mostly what I think about while meditating is that I've restarted meditation.  It feels recursive.  It takes a while to get over that, but around the time I get over that I tend to stop meditating.  Now I think I've created a carrot and stick approach -- meditate and you can post to your journal.  Don't meditate and you can't post to your journal.  So if I fail to keep up with the meditation, I guess this journal is toast.

-----

And now, about five hours after giving up news cold turkey, mostly I'm thinking about how I've given up news cold turkey.

I did go through and delete all the news apps from my phone, along with the browser I use to visit news sites.  (I've been using Duck Duck Go to visit news sites anonymously, to defeat their paywall story limits.)

On my laptop, I haven't had bookmarks for news sites for a long time, so no need to delete them, but I had to turn off notifications for the Apple News application.  The application itself is impossible to delete, it is a required part of the OS.

What will I read instead?  Books.  Fanfic.  Nifty Archive.  Wikipedia.  Stuff that isn't news.  I have a zillion books I haven't finished.

Tuesday stuff

Ran 4 miles and did my weightlifting routine today.  My shoulder is pretty much healed now, it didn't hurt while running, it didn't hurt while lifting.  I increased the dumbbell for shoulder-involved lifting to 5 pounds from the ridiculously low 2 pounds last time.  Each time I lift I'll increase the weight on my shoulders, eventually back to where it had been, unless I experience some pain, in which case I'll back off again.

Also caught up on almost all the chores, and sorted through the accumulated work emails.

I'd cooked the past two nights, so T ordered delivery food.  We had an interesting conversation about the history of journalism in the US and how technology has affected its content and its competition for audiences.  This because I'm back to reading Hate Inc., which had been recommended by K.  I'd taken a break from the Bug/K Book Club but I'm back.  But I'm simultaneously reading several books.

I read nearly all of The Young Protectors over the past couple days, but he's only updating with 2 pages per week, so I stopped before getting into the current, unfinished chapter.  I'll wait and binge each chapter as it is finished, although at 2 pages per week he's completing about one chapter per year, sigh.  Sometime next year I'll head back for more.

Still hoping to take Friday and Tuesday off, but I want to finish some work tasks first over the next two days.  Maybe spend Saturday-Monday at the condo, but I'll check with T and K before I nail that down.  I'm flexible.  Ideally would have a night with K and a night to self, but I don't know K's holiday plans yet.  Or how their plans for moving are proceeding.

Tomorrow it's back to the dance videos for exercise, probably a trip to the grocery store, cooking dinner again.

Today the weather was cooler and cloudy, the AC didn't have to work hard.  I'm looking forward to the change of seasons.