m_d_h: (Default)
Just since the vet last saw him on Monday, Dax had developed a new and alarming -- to the vet -- symptom: pale gums.

These pale gums signified possible anemia, from possible internal bleeding, of which -- as the vet investigated this morning -- there was plenty, because of a new and quickly growing malignant tumor of the spleen that had probably spread to other major organs already.

We had internal imaging of Dax from just a month ago, when they were going to do that elective surgery, and this fist-sized tumor had not been present at that time.  A fast-growing malignant metastasizing tumor.  Life expectancy from this point would not be long, and it would be increasingly painful.  Although they could do surgery to try to remove the tumor, the vet said, "Once I opened up, I'd likely find it had spread, and I'd advise you not to let Dax wake up."

This didn't have anything to do with the liver problem that postponed his elective surgery, or the several benign growths that would have been removed.  I'm so fucking glad Dax didn't spend the last month of his life recovering from that surgery -- surgery that I opposed, but not strongly enough, but ... it never happened anyway.

So instead we let Dax go today.  I really didn't think this would be how the day went.  I thought even if we found the cause of the tummy problems today, and it was bad like cancer, that we'd have some time left.  When we learned Edwina had cancer, we took care of her at home until she passed peacefully in her sleep.  But there was no time left for Dax.  He was bleeding internally, and in pain, and it would very quickly get worse.

I did not intend our Thursday night PIZZA meal to be Dax's last supper, but at least it was his favorite, pizza crust, and he definitely enjoyed it.  And then I joined T and Dax in bed for a while to sing Dax to sleep with his favorite songs that I'd "written", like, "There's a Pup for Us" and "We Will, We Will, Dax You".  When we saw him this afternoon to say goodbye, he was no longer interested in pizza crust, or his favorite songs.  I'd brought some crust along -- and the toy he'd played "Keep Away From Bug" with this morning.  This morning he and I were running around the house, chasing each other for that toy!  I thought he was getting better with the antibiotics!  Yeah, the UTI, also not related to the cancer.

Early this morning I said to T, "I think we're pulling the trigger too early on taking him back to the vet, he seems to be improving, maybe a few more days of the antibiotic."  But together we decided there was no harm in taking him in for some more tests and supportive care -- at least it would give us a day off from taking care of him and the emotional roller coaster of watching his various symptoms come and go.

He seemed fine this morning!  Shit.

We comforted Dax for a few minutes outside under a tree, while the vet and the nursing staff put out some blankets and brought out the injections that would send him away.  We took a few last pictures of him.  And then we held him as he passed away.

We sang his favorite songs to him as he got sleepy from the first shot, and then he went under from the second shot, and then he stopped breathing from the third shot.
m_d_h: (Default)
I wouldn't call it "mass transit" anymore, there were at most four or five people on my car (seats 184?) during my journey from Glenmont to Dupont Circle, so I don't think continuing to run these trains is at all energy efficient right now.

But so long as they're running this 90,000-pound car downtown I should add my 180 pounds to it, instead of driving my own gasoline car.

-----

T decided to get rid of me today instead of tomorrow, having received sufficient emotional support and free labor this week -- he needs Time to Self now, so thanks to the condo being available to me he can have some.  And so can I!

Warming up butt!  Watching porn!  Reading work emails, LOL.

-----

Dax vet visit was a bust, the vet had already left for the day!  So all they did was take the blood and poop to run tests, no chance to discuss the situation.  That's NOT what we expected.  Perhaps T did not communicate these expectations to the staff.  We'll have the conversation via phone on Monday.  Meanwhile, Dax has been pretty happy, not like he was when I got home back on Sunday.

-----

BTW, K raised the point that in 2021 concerns about overpopulation are racist and based on myths.  I will take this charge seriously, read what people have to say about it, and then respond.  But I'm pretty sure my own concerns about overpopulation are not racist, not based on any feeling that there's too many poor POC banging on the doors of the wealthier white countries.  I'd open the doors to all of them and share everything we've got equally.  Under Green Communism there'd be no wealthier white countries, no poorer POC countries, just all of us sharing the same boat.

Plus, I'd do the climate a much better favor by helping an affluent white woman avoid pregnancy than a poor POC woman.  The affluent kid would burn a helluva lot more CO2 during its lifetime.  [There, I did it, I referred to a gender-unknown person as "it" and the paragraph didn't burn down.]  So I'm not trying to exterminate POC, quite the opposite, I'm trying to exterminate white people LOL.
m_d_h: (Default)
I think the jump into being gay (for me) was a way of eradicating gender, if we're all guys then there's no gender,

yeah, if we're all guys there's no gender,

WTF, I hate gender so much I want there to be one/no gender,

so I build a life of one/no gender,

a gender totalitarian?  an agender totalitarian?

if one/no gender claps in a forest,
m_d_h: (Default)
I wanna get fisted by a trans guy
m_d_h: (Default)
Instead of insisting to employer and T that I take an entire week off and disappear to the condo, I'm forever trying to fit in Bug time when nobody else needs me.  Like right now.  I saw work didn't need me, I made sure T didn't need me, (despite the gruesome nature of his work "emergency" today).

I suppose to everybody else this is obvious!  When was the last time I took an entire week off, and by myself?  Never?  Not since I lived by myself, and even then I didn't take an entire week off.  So, more than 20 years?  Since I had a week off from everything?

Holy shit.  I think my max is 3 days off from everything, when I went to Moogfest in 2019.

This is why I need to let my responsibilities roll off me.  I'm so burned out I can't even feel the fire anymore.  I'm charred through.  Ashes.  Ready to blow away.  So why haven't I?
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His administration has been working to speed up vaccine delivery as compared to previous estimates.  OK, let's see you do it Biden, get those shots into our arms within the next three months!
m_d_h: (Default)
Polling data vary on this topic, but it looks like about 1/3 of US adults don't want a COVID shot.  Millions of us are sorta desperate to get our shots because we don't want to die, or watch our loved ones die, or suffer from "long COVID" if we don't die.  But about 1/3 won't bother to get their shots, for a variety of reasons.

What should we do about this?

The Biden Administration is prepared to launch a huge advertising campaign to encourage hesitant people to get their shots -- it's gonna be as much as Coca Cola spends on advertising.  They haven't pulled the trigger yet, because supplies are still limited.  But at some point between now and the end of July, we'll pass the tipping point -- there will be more shots available than people who want them.  It's difficult to believe right now, but we're just 2-3 months away from that new reality.

How can we return to normal if 1/3 of adults refuse to get their shots?

This is going to become a big debate in the US.  Many people will say, "Screw them, if they won't get their shots, let them die.  I want to reopen the schools and businesses and offices."  Public health officials will argue we need to continue various restrictions until we can convince enough people to get their shots.  We'll probably see court cases brought over whether employers can force people to get their shots, whether cruise ships can force customers to get shots, whether high schools or universities can force students to get shots.  We'll see media stories of people who died from COVID after refusing their shots.

And then we'll have COVID boosters by the end of this year, to cover the new variants.  How many people will line up for those?  I'll want my booster, but will most people have moved on by then?  Tired of even thinking about COVID.

It's difficult to believe right now, but change is gonna start happening quickly in the US.  Most of the people who want shots will have received them within a couple months, everybody who wants shots will have received them a couple months after that, and then we'll be arguing over the folks who refuse to get theirs.
m_d_h: (Default)
The companies manufacturing the three approved COVID vaccines in the US expect to provide more than enough doses to vaccinate everybody in the US by the end of July.  And by then, we may have a couple more approved COVID vaccines.  There is a finish line, straight ahead.

Five more months to go.  Nearly 50 million people have already received at least one dose, and you only need one dose plus 14 days to train your immune system to fight COVID.

Last night the FDA approved the J&J vaccine, which was tested as a one-dose vaccine.  The J&J vaccine consists of neutered adenovirus particles that contain DNA coded to produce fake COVID "spikes".  Adenoviruses are one of the virus families that we lump together in the "common cold" category.  The adenovirus particles in the J&J vaccine are unable to replicate themselves, so they do not cause you to get sick, instead they invade your cells and have them produce proteins that mimic the spikes on the outside of COVID virus particles.  This trains your immune system to fight the real thing.

We're still seeing an average of 2,000 deaths per day :-(  But hospitalizations are steadily falling.  We've been under Quarantine for almost a year, but we're most of the way done.  Hang on for these five more months!
m_d_h: (Default)
No idea yet when this will happen, but here's my To Do List for After the Vaccine:
  • Dental checkup
  • Professional haircut
  • Annual physical
  • Renew driver's license
  • Travel to Portland, OR to visit K and MAB
  • Gather with family
  • Snuggle date w/ Steve
  • Download hookup apps, schedule play dates, ask fellas for permission to cum (48 days so far!)
More broadly, after everybody who wants the vaccine has received it in the US: board game parties, our annual Christmas Eve orphans party, indoor dining, concerts & theater.  Hopefully the monthly spanking parties will resume?

It's been great never having a respiratory illness during Quarantine.  After I resume socializing I'll probably resume having a few colds each year, and about half of them will kick off multi-day asthma attacks like before.  Nobody misses the multi-day asthma attacks!

And I'll definitely continue getting my annual flu shots, as well as any COVID booster shots that come along.  I'm 100% pro-vaccination.  I want all the shots!

[Thinking about asking fellas for permission to cum made me horny.]
m_d_h: (Default)
Both of my Sirs will return my texts as much as I require, and I'm sure they'd answer the phone if I called,

they're right there, but they're not here,

even though one is kind of down the street, and the other is on the West Coast,

I know they'd both be happy to hang out with me right now, they're right there, but they're not here
m_d_h: (Default)
You've heard of DNA, the genetic code inside each cell that is used to replicate proteins, the genetic code that we pass down to our children via the sexual combination of female egg and male sperm.  RNA is a simpler version of DNA that can also replicate proteins, but with a much higher error rate.  RNA lacks the ability to proofread the replication process, whereas DNA has a proofreading function.  Think of the "D" in DNA as standing for "Double-checking NA", although that's not what it really stands for.  Think of the "R" in RNA as standing for "Reckless NA".

With DNA's double-checking proofreading function, it makes replication errors in one step per 100,000,000 on average.

RNA makes replication errors in one step per 10,000 on average.  That's 10,000x as often as DNA's error rate.

-----

The COVID virus variants use RNA to copy themselves after they've successfully infected a human cell.  Creating a new copy of a COVID virus requires about 10,000 replication steps.  As RNA makes mistakes in one step per 10,000 on average, the average new copy of a COVID virus contains a mistake.  On average, each COVID virus that is produced looks slightly different from the previous one.

In other words, most COVID virus particles contain mutations.  In the universe of RNA viruses, mutations are the rule not the exception.

As a result, most COVID virus particles don't work.  This is typically true for viruses in general -- most virus particles don't work.  They're born broken, unable to infect new cells, destined to disappear rather quickly as they erode under environmental pressures (heat, light, hungry neighboring cells, etc.).

This is why a single virus particle is unlikely to cause an infection.  To get infected, you need to be exposed to a large number of virus particles.  Sometimes dozens, sometimes hundreds, sometimes thousands.  When your coworker sneezes on you, the vast majority of those virus particles ejected from her mouth and nose are duds.

-----

Although viruses are mutating all the fuckin' time, the vast majority of these mutations produce broken copies that don't work.  A small fraction of these mutations don't affect the functioning of the virus -- think of them as different color paint jobs -- a purple virus instead of a green virus -- virus particles that otherwise work exactly the same as their parent.  An even smaller fraction of these mutations somehow improve the functioning of the virus.

-----

With respect to the Original COVID-19 that emerged from China, there are countless variants that work pretty much the same as the original -- they differ only with respect to their "color".

Each person who is infected with COVID-19 carries around 10,000,000,000 functioning virus particles at peak infection, on average.  Each of these functioning virus particles creates thousands of copies of itself before its host cell bursts, releasing these new copies into the body.  Most of these copies are broken, but enough of them work well enough to infect more cells, using those cells to create thousands of copies until they burst, etc.  Without our immune systems, COVID-19 would kill us every time, bursting and infecting and bursting its way through our body until we're dead.

Currently, on any given day, tens of millions of humans around the world are actively infected with COVID-19.  This means the active population of COVID-19 virus particles at this moment is somewhere around a quintillion, and each of these virus particles is in the midst of creating thousands of copies of itself.

This huge population of virus particles, making mostly mistaken copies of themselves, is bound by the laws of statistics to come up with some random mistakes that actually work better than their parent virus particles.

This has now happened at least three times.

Once in the UK by September 2020, once in South Africa by December 2020, and once in Brazil by January 2021.  These three variants of COVID are each some combination of more infectious and less susceptible to antibodies/vaccines than the original China variant discovered in December 2019, and they've each gone global thanks to continued air travel.

You could call the UK variant COVID-20a, the South African variant COVID-20b, and the Brazilian variant COVID-21a.

-----

Scientists are working to figure out how much more infectious and how less susceptible to antibodies/vaccines these new COVID variants might be.

In general, they seem to be 50% more infectious, and 50% less susceptible to antibodies/vaccines.  But we do not know precisely yet.

We know that some people who have already been infected with COVID-19 have been reinfected with one of these three variants.

We know that the vaccines we've already approved are less effective against some of these variants.

As a result, the vaccine manufacturers are already working to update their vaccines to match these variants.

-----

Meanwhile, a quintillion COVID particles are busily making thousands of copies of themselves at this moment, and most of these copies will be mutations.  Most of these mutations will not work.  Some of them will work just the same as their parent, but with a different "color" coat.  Occasionally, one of them will work better than their parent, and a new variant will have emerged.  Maybe the next new variant will appear in the US, maybe in India, maybe in Sweden, maybe in Mexico.  Who knows, the process is entirely random.  But there's no reason to think we're done with COVID mutations after three new global variants have emerged in a matter of months.

This is why COVID is not going away anytime soon.  This is why even if you've had COVID before, or even if you've been vaccinated, you may get COVID again.  This is why we're probably going to need annual booster shots for COVID like we do for influenza.  This is why I wonder whether we'll ever go back to the old normal, or whether we'll just get used to some average number of daily deaths from COVID, like we're used to an average of 100 daily deaths from influenza in the US.

The chances are you'll get COVID someday, or you'll get COVID again someday.  So what will our new normal look like?  And for how long will you remain in Quarantine?
m_d_h: (Default)
Today I had my most popular social media post of all time, with over 1000 likes.  All I did was share a meme on the poly subreddit.  I didn't create this meme, and I don't know who did.  I saw it on Twitter, posted by somebody who saw it on Tumblr, but they didn't say from whom.  The meme is not signed.

Something I'm finding more interesting than the meme at the moment, however, is that every response I've made to people who commented on the post has been downvoted!  Over 1000 people are happy that I posted this, but there's a disgruntled minority who must be trying to downvote the post, but that's not working so instead they're downvoting everything I say in response to the post.  No matter the tone I'm using, no matter what I'm saying, LOL.

Well, the post was a list of problems with "toxic monogamy culture".  A lot of the comments to the post take issue with the word "toxic" as applied to "monogamy culture", because a large chunk of the readers of the polyamory subreddit don't like it when people criticize monogamy.  I'd say about half of the readers of the subreddit think that monogamy and polyamory are equally valid lifestyle choices, and so there's no need for polyamorous people to criticize monogamy.  Many commenters said they'd prefer to see a differently worded title for this list of common relationship problems.

Only a few people took issue with the substance of the list itself.  But it seems those people downvoted all of my responses to them, no matter what I said.  They were apparently pissed off that so many people considered the items on the list to be problems.  I'm trying to imagine what kinds of people who read the polyamory subreddit would think the items on this list are not problems.

So I'm going to list these problems here in my LJ.  You can think of these as aspects of "toxic monogamy culture" like I do, or you can think of these as generic relationship problems like half of the subreddit does.  Or you can think of these as NOT PROBLEMS AT ALL, heh.

  • the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love
  • the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities
  • the idea that you should meet your partner's every need, and if you don't, you're either inadequate or they're too needy
  • the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else
  • the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity
  • the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship
  • the idea that your insecurities are always your partner's responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on
  • the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life
  • the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself
I think many people appreciated the content of this list, no matter the title.  Food for thought!

As for me, one of the elaborations I made which was downvoted, explained that for me personally, I do experience monogamy culture as toxic.  I felt stifled by monogamy in so many ways: mentally, physically, emotionally, developmentally.  I've been much happier and healthier since I left what I call "the monogamy box".  I think it is important for me to communicate this experience to other people.  I don't claim that everybody who is monogamous is toxic; I don't insist that nobody should choose monogamy.  But some people like me do experience monogamy culture as toxic.  Just as some people experience masculinity culture as toxic.

Some people wanted to point out there can be toxic aspects of polyamory also.  Sure, share your own list of toxic polyamory culture.  Some people felt this list of problems can pop up in any kind of relationship, and that polyamory doesn't necessarily solve these problems.  OK!  But I think this is a great list for anybody to think about, whatever the title.

My karma can handle a few downvotes on my comments, this post is over 1100 likes now ;-)
m_d_h: (Default)
I miss seeing and touching my friends and family, the people I love, my chosen family, and so many other people.  I miss you.  With some of you, for a bit at a time: phone, video, or even text communications help, but it's not nearly enough.
m_d_h: (Default)
I'm gonna stop calling it COVID-19, because scientists around the world are documenting an ever-increasing number of COVID variants popping up all over the place, and then discovering the current vaccines are less effective against them (not ineffective, but less effective).

As many predicted would happen, it increasingly looks like we're entering a new normal in which several variants of COVID are simultaneously traveling around the world, just as several variants of influenza are simultaneously traveling around the world.  And these variants are constantly mutating into new variants.

I fully expect that in the future, annual COVID shots will protect against the top 3 or 4 variants each year, just as flu shots protect against the top 3 or 4 variants each year.

And each year, the effectiveness of the shots will vary.  And not everybody will bother to get them

So now what?

We cannot stay in Quarantine forever.

And we're gonna have to ramp up the vaccine production and delivery systems so that each year we're pumping out and injecting a couple hundred million updated COVID shots in the US.  Routinely.  We'll have ample stockpiles of each year's vaccine, you won't have to wait in long lines, you can just get your annual shot the next time you're at CVS or your doctor's office.

Personally I'm not going to spend the rest of my life hiding from each new COVID variant.  I'll follow the local laws and regulations, of course.  But I'm not gonna hide inside tiny social bubbles forever.  Get me the current vaccine ASAP, and then I'll return to normal.  And then I'll get the annual booster shot every year, just like I get the annual flu shot every year.  And then someday, I'll catch some variant of COVID anyway, just like I occasionally catch a variant of influenza anyway.  And I'll probably survive.

We've got to get to a point of normalization with this.  Hopefully under Biden we can do this together -- ramping up a new, permanent vaccination industry, and figuring out which rules are sustainable over the long term with respect to mass transit, work places, schools, entertainment, shopping, travel.

I can't spend the rest of my life obsessing over whether the current vaccine is only 60% effective against the South Africa variant, or whatever % effective against the Brazil variant, etc.

We'll figure it out.  Maybe we'll always wear masks on airplanes and buses, and while attending concerts and plays.  Maybe if you can do your job from home you do your job from home.  Maybe a lot of us test ourselves each morning with disposable test strips, and we stay home if we test positive that day.  Maybe the test strip readers connect to apps on our phones so we can display our negative statuses to the turnstiles before entering buildings.  I don't know the exact future, but you're not gonna convince me that someday we're gonna "beat" COVID.  It's here to stay.  What I cannot tell yet is how we will adapt over the long term.

Before I was born, we set up public health systems to vaccinate people for the first time, we set up public sewage systems and public water systems to reduce the spread of intestinal diseases.  We developed antibiotics, and then more recently antivirals.  People placed hand sanitizer dispensers on their desks at the office, and some of us learned to stay home when we're sick.  Somehow COVID will factor permanently into our lives and we'll set up prevention systems and we'll just deal with it.  Not via denial, and not via endless quarantine, but via permanently changed routines & expectations.

We should've set up a widespread test, trace, and isolate system from the start, like some other countries did.  We did not.  So we've got this locality-by-locality shifting set of rules about what can be open, and at what capacity, and how many people we can hang out with at the same time.  Along with locality-by-locality distribution of vaccines.  It's a deadly mess, and it will kill hundreds of thousands more people before we get the first version of the vaccine into everybody's arms.  And then we'll see that COVID hasn't fully disappeared After the Vaccine, and we'll have to work out the new rules, and our lives will mostly go on.
m_d_h: (Default)
All right!  These keys are definitely frozen!  Plus, some, other, random, key that (I stuck in there by mistake), um, (maybe later I will be missing a key to something, um,)

Frozen!

My OCD may compel me to relive episodes of my life repeatedly but I've never fuckin' frozen my cock cage keys before :-)

The freezer is my new Sir, LOL.
m_d_h: (Default)
The first Trump Administration is finally over.  I got back to the house just in time to watch the proceedings on TV with T in the Media Cave, while sharing a bottle of champagne with cheese & crackers.

I was slightly worried this morning as I prepared to drive away from the downtown condo that there would be a last-minute nuclear strike or something like that, but after Noon passed one of my "secret squirrel" sources told me that they'd taken the Football away from Trump two weeks ago -- as I'd suspected, we did have a Coup two weeks ago, but it was a silent one, and not the one we were watching on TV --> the US armed forces placed themselves under the command of Vice President Pence without a formal declaration of the 25th Amendment.

I was way more emotional than I'd expected as I watched the proceedings with T.  He'd given Dax a new Biden 2020 collar for the occasion, heh.  That youth poet laureate was fuckin' amazing.  Lady Gaga singing the National Anthem was an interesting choice, although she rearranged the music to a lower octave to more comfortably accommodate her vocal range.

Trump was such the asshole in not attending, but what else could we expect.  I hope that with his term behind him and his Twitter account banned we can start to forget about him, but we've got an impeachment trial ahead and if he isn't convicted he may well run again in 2024.

-----

MG from Twitter deleted his account!  And he never did give me an alternate way of contacting him.  Damn.  And Mark from Reddit has all but disappeared, I've received one message from him in 2021.

But I've been less interested in the texting with far away strangers myself lately.

-----

I was very happy to have more Time to Self at the condo yesterday, and I didn't have transition anxiety this morning!  Now, what will I do with the rest of my day?  Nap, probably :-)
m_d_h: (Default)
I bet you're right,

it's the OCD spiral,

I'm actually not anxious about the last hours of the Trump years?

and I took off the Leopard, because I can't cum anyway, too intoxicated,

watching EastSiders again, which is my favorite way to end an evening,

I can only watch people touch each other on the screens, I cannot touch anybody myself, but I can touch myself, ugh, Quarantine,

it's a Time-Honored Tradition, touching myself,

but I'm not gonna cum,

this is why I want to throw away the keys, because, left to my own devices, I probably would,

you'll never have a bored day,
m_d_h: (Default)
for reminding me that I can stop being busy and: enjoy myself
m_d_h: (Default)
Just now, locked up and threw away the keys, bye bye cock!  Did not do electro first.

So glad I sanded down the pelvic edge though, heh :-)  And I trimmed so well!

How long until I see my cock again?  Only The Shadow knows.
m_d_h: (Default)
Watching my favorite married-gay-porn-stars couple fully clothed on live cam playing with their new puppy is the best thing I've seen in years.

The pets here at the house are definitely an anchor for me.  And I'm not sure I could do without any pets if I lived by myself again.

I didn't think pets were allowed at the condo, but as I approached the back door last time I saw a dog, definitely a dog, sitting in the window of one of the units, looking out at me.  Are you allowed to be there, I thought, heh.  If so, I want one too.

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