VirtualExile

Just since the vet last saw him on Monday, Dax had developed a new and alarming -- to the vet -- symptom: pale gums.

These pale gums signified possible anemia, from possible internal bleeding, of which -- as the vet investigated this morning -- there was plenty, because of a new and quickly growing malignant tumor of the spleen that had probably spread to other major organs already.

We had internal imaging of Dax from just a month ago, when they were going to do that elective surgery, and this fist-sized tumor had not been present at that time.  A fast-growing malignant metastasizing tumor.  Life expectancy from this point would not be long, and it would be increasingly painful.  Although they could do surgery to try to remove the tumor, the vet said, "Once I opened up, I'd likely find it had spread, and I'd advise you not to let Dax wake up."

This didn't have anything to do with the liver problem that postponed his elective surgery, or the several benign growths that would have been removed.  I'm so fucking glad Dax didn't spend the last month of his life recovering from that surgery -- surgery that I opposed, but not strongly enough, but ... it never happened anyway.

So instead we let Dax go today.  I really didn't think this would be how the day went.  I thought even if we found the cause of the tummy problems today, and it was bad like cancer, that we'd have some time left.  When we learned Edwina had cancer, we took care of her at home until she passed peacefully in her sleep.  But there was no time left for Dax.  He was bleeding internally, and in pain, and it would very quickly get worse.

I did not intend our Thursday night PIZZA meal to be Dax's last supper, but at least it was his favorite, pizza crust, and he definitely enjoyed it.  And then I joined T and Dax in bed for a while to sing Dax to sleep with his favorite songs that I'd "written", like, "There's a Pup for Us" and "We Will, We Will, Dax You".  When we saw him this afternoon to say goodbye, he was no longer interested in pizza crust, or his favorite songs.  I'd brought some crust along -- and the toy he'd played "Keep Away From Bug" with this morning.  This morning he and I were running around the house, chasing each other for that toy!  I thought he was getting better with the antibiotics!  Yeah, the UTI, also not related to the cancer.

Early this morning I said to T, "I think we're pulling the trigger too early on taking him back to the vet, he seems to be improving, maybe a few more days of the antibiotic."  But together we decided there was no harm in taking him in for some more tests and supportive care -- at least it would give us a day off from taking care of him and the emotional roller coaster of watching his various symptoms come and go.

He seemed fine this morning!  Shit.

We comforted Dax for a few minutes outside under a tree, while the vet and the nursing staff put out some blankets and brought out the injections that would send him away.  We took a few last pictures of him.  And then we held him as he passed away.

We sang his favorite songs to him as he got sleepy from the first shot, and then he went under from the second shot, and then he stopped breathing from the third shot.

I think the jump into being gay (for me) was a way of eradicating gender, if we're all guys then there's no gender,

yeah, if we're all guys there's no gender,

WTF, I hate gender so much I want there to be one/no gender,

so I build a life of one/no gender,

a gender totalitarian?  an agender totalitarian?

if one/no gender claps in a forest,

Instead of insisting to employer and T that I take an entire week off and disappear to the condo, I'm forever trying to fit in Bug time when nobody else needs me.  Like right now.  I saw work didn't need me, I made sure T didn't need me, (despite the gruesome nature of his work "emergency" today).

I suppose to everybody else this is obvious!  When was the last time I took an entire week off, and by myself?  Never?  Not since I lived by myself, and even then I didn't take an entire week off.  So, more than 20 years?  Since I had a week off from everything?

Holy shit.  I think my max is 3 days off from everything, when I went to Moogfest in 2019.

This is why I need to let my responsibilities roll off me.  I'm so burned out I can't even feel the fire anymore.  I'm charred through.  Ashes.  Ready to blow away.  So why haven't I?

Polling data vary on this topic, but it looks like about 1/3 of US adults don't want a COVID shot.  Millions of us are sorta desperate to get our shots because we don't want to die, or watch our loved ones die, or suffer from "long COVID" if we don't die.  But about 1/3 won't bother to get their shots, for a variety of reasons.

What should we do about this?

The Biden Administration is prepared to launch a huge advertising campaign to encourage hesitant people to get their shots -- it's gonna be as much as Coca Cola spends on advertising.  They haven't pulled the trigger yet, because supplies are still limited.  But at some point between now and the end of July, we'll pass the tipping point -- there will be more shots available than people who want them.  It's difficult to believe right now, but we're just 2-3 months away from that new reality.

How can we return to normal if 1/3 of adults refuse to get their shots?

This is going to become a big debate in the US.  Many people will say, "Screw them, if they won't get their shots, let them die.  I want to reopen the schools and businesses and offices."  Public health officials will argue we need to continue various restrictions until we can convince enough people to get their shots.  We'll probably see court cases brought over whether employers can force people to get their shots, whether cruise ships can force customers to get shots, whether high schools or universities can force students to get shots.  We'll see media stories of people who died from COVID after refusing their shots.

And then we'll have COVID boosters by the end of this year, to cover the new variants.  How many people will line up for those?  I'll want my booster, but will most people have moved on by then?  Tired of even thinking about COVID.

It's difficult to believe right now, but change is gonna start happening quickly in the US.  Most of the people who want shots will have received them within a couple months, everybody who wants shots will have received them a couple months after that, and then we'll be arguing over the folks who refuse to get theirs.

No idea yet when this will happen, but here's my To Do List for After the Vaccine:

• Dental checkup
• Professional haircut
• Annual physical
• Renew driver's license
• Travel to Portland, OR to visit K and MAB
• Gather with family
• Snuggle date w/ Steve
• Download hookup apps, schedule play dates, ask fellas for permission to cum (48 days so far!)

More broadly, after everybody who wants the vaccine has received it in the US: board game parties, our annual Christmas Eve orphans party, indoor dining, concerts & theater.  Hopefully the monthly spanking parties will resume?

It's been great never having a respiratory illness during Quarantine.  After I resume socializing I'll probably resume having a few colds each year, and about half of them will kick off multi-day asthma attacks like before.  Nobody misses the multi-day asthma attacks!

And I'll definitely continue getting my annual flu shots, as well as any COVID booster shots that come along.  I'm 100% pro-vaccination.  I want all the shots!

[Thinking about asking fellas for permission to cum made me horny.]

You've heard of DNA, the genetic code inside each cell that is used to replicate proteins, the genetic code that we pass down to our children via the sexual combination of female egg and male sperm.  RNA is a simpler version of DNA that can also replicate proteins, but with a much higher error rate.  RNA lacks the ability to proofread the replication process, whereas DNA has a proofreading function.  Think of the "D" in DNA as standing for "Double-checking NA", although that's not what it really stands for.  Think of the "R" in RNA as standing for "Reckless NA".

With DNA's double-checking proofreading function, it makes replication errors in one step per 100,000,000 on average.

RNA makes replication errors in one step per 10,000 on average.  That's 10,000x as often as DNA's error rate.

-----

The COVID virus variants use RNA to copy themselves after they've successfully infected a human cell.  Creating a new copy of a COVID virus requires about 10,000 replication steps.  As RNA makes mistakes in one step per 10,000 on average, the average new copy of a COVID virus contains a mistake.  On average, each COVID virus that is produced looks slightly different from the previous one.

In other words, most COVID virus particles contain mutations.  In the universe of RNA viruses, mutations are the rule not the exception.

As a result, most COVID virus particles don't work.  This is typically true for viruses in general -- most virus particles don't work.  They're born broken, unable to infect new cells, destined to disappear rather quickly as they erode under environmental pressures (heat, light, hungry neighboring cells, etc.).

This is why a single virus particle is unlikely to cause an infection.  To get infected, you need to be exposed to a large number of virus particles.  Sometimes dozens, sometimes hundreds, sometimes thousands.  When your coworker sneezes on you, the vast majority of those virus particles ejected from her mouth and nose are duds.

-----

Although viruses are mutating all the fuckin' time, the vast majority of these mutations produce broken copies that don't work.  A small fraction of these mutations don't affect the functioning of the virus -- think of them as different color paint jobs -- a purple virus instead of a green virus -- virus particles that otherwise work exactly the same as their parent.  An even smaller fraction of these mutations somehow improve the functioning of the virus.

-----

With respect to the Original COVID-19 that emerged from China, there are countless variants that work pretty much the same as the original -- they differ only with respect to their "color".

Each person who is infected with COVID-19 carries around 10,000,000,000 functioning virus particles at peak infection, on average.  Each of these functioning virus particles creates thousands of copies of itself before its host cell bursts, releasing these new copies into the body.  Most of these copies are broken, but enough of them work well enough to infect more cells, using those cells to create thousands of copies until they burst, etc.  Without our immune systems, COVID-19 would kill us every time, bursting and infecting and bursting its way through our body until we're dead.

Currently, on any given day, tens of millions of humans around the world are actively infected with COVID-19.  This means the active population of COVID-19 virus particles at this moment is somewhere around a quintillion, and each of these virus particles is in the midst of creating thousands of copies of itself.

This huge population of virus particles, making mostly mistaken copies of themselves, is bound by the laws of statistics to come up with some random mistakes that actually work better than their parent virus particles.

This has now happened at least three times.

Once in the UK by September 2020, once in South Africa by December 2020, and once in Brazil by January 2021.  These three variants of COVID are each some combination of more infectious and less susceptible to antibodies/vaccines than the original China variant discovered in December 2019, and they've each gone global thanks to continued air travel.

You could call the UK variant COVID-20a, the South African variant COVID-20b, and the Brazilian variant COVID-21a.

-----

Scientists are working to figure out how much more infectious and how less susceptible to antibodies/vaccines these new COVID variants might be.

In general, they seem to be 50% more infectious, and 50% less susceptible to antibodies/vaccines.  But we do not know precisely yet.

We know that some people who have already been infected with COVID-19 have been reinfected with one of these three variants.

We know that the vaccines we've already approved are less effective against some of these variants.

As a result, the vaccine manufacturers are already working to update their vaccines to match these variants.

-----

Meanwhile, a quintillion COVID particles are busily making thousands of copies of themselves at this moment, and most of these copies will be mutations.  Most of these mutations will not work.  Some of them will work just the same as their parent, but with a different "color" coat.  Occasionally, one of them will work better than their parent, and a new variant will have emerged.  Maybe the next new variant will appear in the US, maybe in India, maybe in Sweden, maybe in Mexico.  Who knows, the process is entirely random.  But there's no reason to think we're done with COVID mutations after three new global variants have emerged in a matter of months.

This is why COVID is not going away anytime soon.  This is why even if you've had COVID before, or even if you've been vaccinated, you may get COVID again.  This is why we're probably going to need annual booster shots for COVID like we do for influenza.  This is why I wonder whether we'll ever go back to the old normal, or whether we'll just get used to some average number of daily deaths from COVID, like we're used to an average of 100 daily deaths from influenza in the US.

The chances are you'll get COVID someday, or you'll get COVID again someday.  So what will our new normal look like?  And for how long will you remain in Quarantine?

I miss seeing and touching my friends and family, the people I love, my chosen family, and so many other people.  I miss you.  With some of you, for a bit at a time: phone, video, or even text communications help, but it's not nearly enough.

All right!  These keys are definitely frozen!  Plus, some, other, random, key that (I stuck in there by mistake), um, (maybe later I will be missing a key to something, um,)

Frozen!

My OCD may compel me to relive episodes of my life repeatedly but I've never fuckin' frozen my cock cage keys before :-)

The freezer is my new Sir, LOL.

I bet you're right,

it's the OCD spiral,

I'm actually not anxious about the last hours of the Trump years?

and I took off the Leopard, because I can't cum anyway, too intoxicated,

watching EastSiders again, which is my favorite way to end an evening,

I can only watch people touch each other on the screens, I cannot touch anybody myself, but I can touch myself, ugh, Quarantine,

it's a Time-Honored Tradition, touching myself,

but I'm not gonna cum,

this is why I want to throw away the keys, because, left to my own devices, I probably would,

you'll never have a bored day,

Just now, locked up and threw away the keys, bye bye cock!  Did not do electro first.

So glad I sanded down the pelvic edge though, heh :-)  And I trimmed so well!

How long until I see my cock again?  Only The Shadow knows.