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the final countdown
11 January 2025 11:29Bug, love yourself as you are
Thank Goddess it isn't also a Maids Day. I have another week before I have to face that again.
OK, took out the trash & recycling in 12 minutes, all by myself. T offered to help.
-----
I looked up some info on cats, and although our cats are at least a couple months older than Dax was, in human terms they are still in their 50s, they should have a ways to go yet, as they live safe and gentle lives entirely indoors. They could well live into my retirement years, but I could take care of them myself in a new dwelling if it came to that, they are much more independent than Dax was. I would delay an international relocation while they are still alive, however. Aren't there issues with moving cats to a new country? Especially at the advanced ages they would be at by then.
I also reviewed the information on my kidney cysts, to remind myself that the dull pains I feel in my kidneys from time to time are normal with this condition and not a sign that I'm dying from cancer next week. Yes, I had another panic attack last night, while cooking dinner. T talked me through it.
As for T and the rest of you, I'll try not to imagine that just because Dax died suddenly from cancer that all the rest of you will too.
-----
Although T's trip to B's tomorrow night is a coin flip, depending on how either of us feels about it tomorrow, T & B surprised me by discussing an Away Trip for this weekend. Given that I'm currently having daily panic attacks, I'm somewhat anxious about being alone for an entire weekend. We agreed to wait until Wednesday to discuss it further.
Intellectually, I think it would be criminal for me to stand in the way of a Weekend Getaway for the two of them after they've been physically distant from each other for so long, but I wasn't having daily panic attacks, I was, up until Friday, looking forward to my next Time to Self.
I may need to speak with some of my closest friends on the phone more often until these panic attacks settle down. If I lived by myself right now, I'd be seeking overnight stays with other people, or emergency psychiatric help. But it seems having T physically present is enough for now. I'm not going to require that he remain physically present -- I will find other coping mechanisms, damn it.
Anyway, I'm not currently panicking.
I will prepare for a gentle 3-mile run and see how much work I can get done today. I need to close out Dax's account with the pet health insurance company -- file the final claims and stop the monthly premium. I need to do laundry and dishes, clean the cat litter, water the plants, all the normal chores except for those related to Dax. I have been permanently relieved of Dax duty. But I may continue to take afternoon walks to the playground without him for a while. As a way of remembering him. I did that on Saturday as I spoke with K on the phone.
And I'll try to meditate daily.
And soon, very soon, I'll have my 90% badge and can start to expand my social bubble beyond T & B. Carefully at first. I'm having a difficult time imagining myself going to a multi-household group gathering as yet, even if all guests claim to be fully vaccinated, although I've been invited to one next month. Ideally I'd like to start smaller. Like a snuggle date with one other person. We'll see.
OK, took out the trash & recycling in 12 minutes, all by myself. T offered to help.
-----
I looked up some info on cats, and although our cats are at least a couple months older than Dax was, in human terms they are still in their 50s, they should have a ways to go yet, as they live safe and gentle lives entirely indoors. They could well live into my retirement years, but I could take care of them myself in a new dwelling if it came to that, they are much more independent than Dax was. I would delay an international relocation while they are still alive, however. Aren't there issues with moving cats to a new country? Especially at the advanced ages they would be at by then.
I also reviewed the information on my kidney cysts, to remind myself that the dull pains I feel in my kidneys from time to time are normal with this condition and not a sign that I'm dying from cancer next week. Yes, I had another panic attack last night, while cooking dinner. T talked me through it.
As for T and the rest of you, I'll try not to imagine that just because Dax died suddenly from cancer that all the rest of you will too.
-----
Although T's trip to B's tomorrow night is a coin flip, depending on how either of us feels about it tomorrow, T & B surprised me by discussing an Away Trip for this weekend. Given that I'm currently having daily panic attacks, I'm somewhat anxious about being alone for an entire weekend. We agreed to wait until Wednesday to discuss it further.
Intellectually, I think it would be criminal for me to stand in the way of a Weekend Getaway for the two of them after they've been physically distant from each other for so long, but I wasn't having daily panic attacks, I was, up until Friday, looking forward to my next Time to Self.
I may need to speak with some of my closest friends on the phone more often until these panic attacks settle down. If I lived by myself right now, I'd be seeking overnight stays with other people, or emergency psychiatric help. But it seems having T physically present is enough for now. I'm not going to require that he remain physically present -- I will find other coping mechanisms, damn it.
Anyway, I'm not currently panicking.
I will prepare for a gentle 3-mile run and see how much work I can get done today. I need to close out Dax's account with the pet health insurance company -- file the final claims and stop the monthly premium. I need to do laundry and dishes, clean the cat litter, water the plants, all the normal chores except for those related to Dax. I have been permanently relieved of Dax duty. But I may continue to take afternoon walks to the playground without him for a while. As a way of remembering him. I did that on Saturday as I spoke with K on the phone.
And I'll try to meditate daily.
And soon, very soon, I'll have my 90% badge and can start to expand my social bubble beyond T & B. Carefully at first. I'm having a difficult time imagining myself going to a multi-household group gathering as yet, even if all guests claim to be fully vaccinated, although I've been invited to one next month. Ideally I'd like to start smaller. Like a snuggle date with one other person. We'll see.
worries about Dax
11 April 2021 21:08When I got home T was worried about Dax, he said Dax wasn't finishing his food over the past day or so. Otherwise Dax seemed normal, so I suggested maybe his stomach is upset from eating something he shouldn't -- Dax still chomps on sticks and weeds on his walks, still periodically vomits it back up.
But this prompted T to worry more generally about Dax getting older and maybe only having a year or two left. He's now caught up with me on not necessarily putting Dax through surgery if his remaining lifespan is short anyway.
Sounds like T needs some extra emotional support this week, I'll try to give it to him.
But this prompted T to worry more generally about Dax getting older and maybe only having a year or two left. He's now caught up with me on not necessarily putting Dax through surgery if his remaining lifespan is short anyway.
Sounds like T needs some extra emotional support this week, I'll try to give it to him.
My favorite OS of all time was Windows for Workgroups 3.11 (1993), LOL.
yeah,
so instead of destroying the universe, I'm downing a shot of tequila, but slowly, in sipping parts (because GERD), while impaling my ass upon my largest and most granular butt toy, while rewatching Picard,
and inhaling poppers,
I took my cage off, illegally, but it's OK, I'm in no danger of having an orgasm,
and I drew tomorrow's card early, illegally, but it's a 2 of Clubs, which is useless, heh,
I need to keep impaling my ass upon my largest and most granular butt toy, while rewatching Picard, and sipping this shot of tequila, and inhaling poppers,
"you're alive!"
yeah, long ago I used to go out clubbing until 3am, and then I'd drive/walk/etc. home, and,
I haven't aged a day, instead the universe has aged around me, I'm still ...
about to break, about to age, about to submit, about to ...
break into song :-) you should hear the incomprehensible lyrics I sing while I'm taking this largest and most granular,
traveling without language
so instead of destroying the universe, I'm downing a shot of tequila, but slowly, in sipping parts (because GERD), while impaling my ass upon my largest and most granular butt toy, while rewatching Picard,
and inhaling poppers,
I took my cage off, illegally, but it's OK, I'm in no danger of having an orgasm,
and I drew tomorrow's card early, illegally, but it's a 2 of Clubs, which is useless, heh,
I need to keep impaling my ass upon my largest and most granular butt toy, while rewatching Picard, and sipping this shot of tequila, and inhaling poppers,
"you're alive!"
yeah, long ago I used to go out clubbing until 3am, and then I'd drive/walk/etc. home, and,
I haven't aged a day, instead the universe has aged around me, I'm still ...
about to break, about to age, about to submit, about to ...
break into song :-) you should hear the incomprehensible lyrics I sing while I'm taking this largest and most granular,
traveling without language
This non-local younger friend of mine (I met him in person 15 years ago?!?) who I still chat with occasionally, he wished me a Happy New Year today, and I thanked him for thinking of me on this day.
He replied that he thinks of me *every day* but he just doesn't text me about it every day.
Oh!
Well!
Perhaps After the Vaccine, arrangements can be made ...
Like Sir Ben, another man arises from my distant past ...
-----
it's fitting, then, that I'm listening to The Hurting, by Tears for Fears (1983); I'm considering it as a sort of model for my own concept album that I'm going to take 8 years to produce LOL,
Live this long: people from your past, and art from your past, will arise in the present and demand an accounting,
He replied that he thinks of me *every day* but he just doesn't text me about it every day.
Oh!
Well!
Perhaps After the Vaccine, arrangements can be made ...
Like Sir Ben, another man arises from my distant past ...
-----
it's fitting, then, that I'm listening to The Hurting, by Tears for Fears (1983); I'm considering it as a sort of model for my own concept album that I'm going to take 8 years to produce LOL,
Live this long: people from your past, and art from your past, will arise in the present and demand an accounting,
I've always been intrigued by NaNoWriMo. I've always enjoyed creative writing, with no concern about whether it would "sell" or not, but it looks like I needed this Pandemic Quarantine to get through the entire month, though I'm only 2/3 of the way now, but ... having never made it this far, I'm realizing: Wait, I have to figure out how to end this story on November 30! Where is this going? :-)
This series of stories started years ago with a spontaneous short story about Chris, an unhappy clone, one of the first human clones, coming to terms with who he was and with his creator and why he was created, then forging an independent life for himself. Later I wrote about Matt and Alex, and Matt meeting Chris -- but all this a couple decades later. With Tate thrown in on the side -- I don't think that was for NaNoWriMo, I think it was also spontaneous creative writing.
But last November I wanted to do NaNoWriMo, and I started off with Tate's mother Talon, and made the story mainly about Tate, except I had to travel for work in mid-November and totally lost my thread. And it was kind of YA, about the Problems of a Teen. But that work travel was too stressful! No room in my head for all these characters. Also trying to hang out with friends in Chicago, making it into a leisure trip.
[I still remember, a handsome young man playing a guitar and singing, inside a used book store, me having an instant crush on him. While simultaneously feeling depressed because the person I'd wanted to meet that night had flaked on me. Sad, but, look at that beautiful young man, just a few feet away from me. Such beauty exists on this planet.]
As K was leaving for Portland, I knew I needed some art therapy. First I went after music, but because I'd lost my files from last time, the learning curve was going to be steep. It was easier to slide into NaNoWriMo, because I write a lot all the time already. Last year I'd proven to myself I could keep up the required word count pace, to write a novel within a month. I still want to do music! But right now I'm writing. Writing. Writing. Thinking about Writing.
And it's fun! I'm finally having fun, doing something new and creative, during Quarantine. And now suddenly doing more "new" stuff -- interacting with sexy fellas online.
Goddess, the past two months have been a lot. The entire year has been a lot. Ever since I realized this Pandemic was going to fuck everything up. And then it did. And Trump still won't let go.
-----
The best thing about being 53 -- I'm more comfortable being me than ever before. I'd never go back to being younger. I wasn't yet myself. I think -- probably the 50s is when human males get to know themselves best, before the aging process becomes overwhelming. But we'll see how long I can keep this going, heh.
This series of stories started years ago with a spontaneous short story about Chris, an unhappy clone, one of the first human clones, coming to terms with who he was and with his creator and why he was created, then forging an independent life for himself. Later I wrote about Matt and Alex, and Matt meeting Chris -- but all this a couple decades later. With Tate thrown in on the side -- I don't think that was for NaNoWriMo, I think it was also spontaneous creative writing.
But last November I wanted to do NaNoWriMo, and I started off with Tate's mother Talon, and made the story mainly about Tate, except I had to travel for work in mid-November and totally lost my thread. And it was kind of YA, about the Problems of a Teen. But that work travel was too stressful! No room in my head for all these characters. Also trying to hang out with friends in Chicago, making it into a leisure trip.
[I still remember, a handsome young man playing a guitar and singing, inside a used book store, me having an instant crush on him. While simultaneously feeling depressed because the person I'd wanted to meet that night had flaked on me. Sad, but, look at that beautiful young man, just a few feet away from me. Such beauty exists on this planet.]
As K was leaving for Portland, I knew I needed some art therapy. First I went after music, but because I'd lost my files from last time, the learning curve was going to be steep. It was easier to slide into NaNoWriMo, because I write a lot all the time already. Last year I'd proven to myself I could keep up the required word count pace, to write a novel within a month. I still want to do music! But right now I'm writing. Writing. Writing. Thinking about Writing.
And it's fun! I'm finally having fun, doing something new and creative, during Quarantine. And now suddenly doing more "new" stuff -- interacting with sexy fellas online.
Goddess, the past two months have been a lot. The entire year has been a lot. Ever since I realized this Pandemic was going to fuck everything up. And then it did. And Trump still won't let go.
-----
The best thing about being 53 -- I'm more comfortable being me than ever before. I'd never go back to being younger. I wasn't yet myself. I think -- probably the 50s is when human males get to know themselves best, before the aging process becomes overwhelming. But we'll see how long I can keep this going, heh.
knees better
2 October 2020 23:28I think I figured it out -- OCD crossing my legs at home during Quarantine was causing nerve damage atop my knees -- it was slow to heal, but it is definitely healing -- getting older is such a fucking puzzle LOL
I ran 15 miles this week, which certainly isn't an all-time record for me, but it is probably my highest weekly total of the summer? At least since the brutal summer humidity hit in late June -- DC didn't see temperatures below 70 from June 27 through August 15. And here at the house we've experienced three flooding events because the brutal humidity led to awesome localized rain. Luckily we avoided the second and third basement floods by bailing water outside. This is not normal!
This week wasn't exactly perfect running weather either, but I ran on four mornings for a total of 15 miles. It also helped that I spent Friday night sober at the house instead of drinking alcohol at the condo.
Ideally I want to get up to running 15-20 miles every week. I think after the humidity leaves that will be easy.
As for my weightlifting, I've continued progressing on the exercises that do not involve my right shoulder. For the exercises involving my shoulder, I'm back up to 10-pound hand weights -- got a ways to go to get back to where I was, but I have to keep an eye on the shoulder. It's more important to exercise at all, than to push up the weights too far too fast and injure myself again. I'm lifting weights a couple times per week now that my shoulder is 90% better.
With the dance videos, I've got three sets of videos I'm cycling through, and I'm looking to add a fourth one. I get to these once or twice per week.
My belly is still a bit bigger than I want it to be, but this is almost a permanent condition in my life, I rarely think I'm perfect, heh. I think the main culprit for my belly is working from home. T and I drink alcohol more often in the evenings, and it's too easy to have a snack when I'm hungry. Instead of the salad bar for lunch each day at the office, I'm making sandwiches and warming up cans of soup.
So, overall, at this point in Quarantine, I'm probably exercising more often than I would be if I were commuting, but I'm also eating and drinking alcohol more often. Meanwhile the brutal summer humidity very much limited my running mileage for 2-3 months. If between now and the New Year I can increase mileage while decreasing snacks and alcohol, then there will be no need for any New Year's Resolutions.
That's the health check-in, as I turn 53.
This week wasn't exactly perfect running weather either, but I ran on four mornings for a total of 15 miles. It also helped that I spent Friday night sober at the house instead of drinking alcohol at the condo.
Ideally I want to get up to running 15-20 miles every week. I think after the humidity leaves that will be easy.
As for my weightlifting, I've continued progressing on the exercises that do not involve my right shoulder. For the exercises involving my shoulder, I'm back up to 10-pound hand weights -- got a ways to go to get back to where I was, but I have to keep an eye on the shoulder. It's more important to exercise at all, than to push up the weights too far too fast and injure myself again. I'm lifting weights a couple times per week now that my shoulder is 90% better.
With the dance videos, I've got three sets of videos I'm cycling through, and I'm looking to add a fourth one. I get to these once or twice per week.
My belly is still a bit bigger than I want it to be, but this is almost a permanent condition in my life, I rarely think I'm perfect, heh. I think the main culprit for my belly is working from home. T and I drink alcohol more often in the evenings, and it's too easy to have a snack when I'm hungry. Instead of the salad bar for lunch each day at the office, I'm making sandwiches and warming up cans of soup.
So, overall, at this point in Quarantine, I'm probably exercising more often than I would be if I were commuting, but I'm also eating and drinking alcohol more often. Meanwhile the brutal summer humidity very much limited my running mileage for 2-3 months. If between now and the New Year I can increase mileage while decreasing snacks and alcohol, then there will be no need for any New Year's Resolutions.
That's the health check-in, as I turn 53.
Three weeks ago, I was here, at the condo, I was hangin' out on the sofa, that's all! leaning on my right elbow, when the bursa in my right shoulder ... broke? Ugh. It was so random, I wasn't doing anything unusual. I gave it space for a week, then resumed my weight lifting workout ... ugh ...
I think there's a relationship between my weight lifting workout, and the hangin' out on the sofa injury. And now it's three weeks later.
I'm doing my own physical therapy. Dynamic stretches, static stretches, rest, movement, and yesterday I did a weight lifting routine with, LOL 2-pound weights.
2-pound weights! Didn't hurt while doing it, and seemed to help the shoulder afterward.
Yeah.
doin' my own physical therapy, that's what it's like getting older ... a month previously I'd woken here at the condo with a seriously upset thumb joint, WTF, it was red, swollen, painful,
arthritis? gout? did I jam it and didn't remember?
the weird thing about these body issues as I age, is that they aren't necessarily directly connected to their causes in time, I only find out later, when, ouch!
I've been to physical therapy enough times, I know how to do it to myself, and it seems to be working ... the main thing I'm missing is regular massage, but that seems impossible during Quarantine,
-----
Sigh, I remember that hot massage therapist I had way back then, while K lived in Madrid, heh, we fucked, Nick, yeah, "Pup Charger", heh, Sigh, I don't have to fuck every massage therapist,
so many things I cannot do because of Quarantine, because our country keeps fucking this up, I just gotta wait for the Vaccine
-----
I have asthma, so we bought blood oxygen monitors in case of COVID-19, and even on a good day I have way less blood oxygen than I should.
But I can run several miles in a row! I can lift weights, I can do these Body by Dax dance videos, heh. I'm in good shape. But my lungs ...
My way of managing aging is this: keep on exercising. It's working so far. But sometimes the exercise causes injuries, but I think if I didn't exercise it would be worse, so. Yeah. Doin' my own PT.
I think there's a relationship between my weight lifting workout, and the hangin' out on the sofa injury. And now it's three weeks later.
I'm doing my own physical therapy. Dynamic stretches, static stretches, rest, movement, and yesterday I did a weight lifting routine with, LOL 2-pound weights.
2-pound weights! Didn't hurt while doing it, and seemed to help the shoulder afterward.
Yeah.
doin' my own physical therapy, that's what it's like getting older ... a month previously I'd woken here at the condo with a seriously upset thumb joint, WTF, it was red, swollen, painful,
arthritis? gout? did I jam it and didn't remember?
the weird thing about these body issues as I age, is that they aren't necessarily directly connected to their causes in time, I only find out later, when, ouch!
I've been to physical therapy enough times, I know how to do it to myself, and it seems to be working ... the main thing I'm missing is regular massage, but that seems impossible during Quarantine,
-----
Sigh, I remember that hot massage therapist I had way back then, while K lived in Madrid, heh, we fucked, Nick, yeah, "Pup Charger", heh, Sigh, I don't have to fuck every massage therapist,
so many things I cannot do because of Quarantine, because our country keeps fucking this up, I just gotta wait for the Vaccine
-----
I have asthma, so we bought blood oxygen monitors in case of COVID-19, and even on a good day I have way less blood oxygen than I should.
But I can run several miles in a row! I can lift weights, I can do these Body by Dax dance videos, heh. I'm in good shape. But my lungs ...
My way of managing aging is this: keep on exercising. It's working so far. But sometimes the exercise causes injuries, but I think if I didn't exercise it would be worse, so. Yeah. Doin' my own PT.
