first morning
24 April 2021 09:18![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
m_d_hEventually I fell asleep again for a short while without the aid of medication, but only until sunrise (I rarely sleep past sunrise in this house, it is too bright and open, as compared to the condo). Astrid slept next to me, her elongated body pressing gently into my back, as I lay on my side. I peeked in to see whether T was awake, he was, so I joined him on his bed to talk for awhile about our horrible yesterday. Then what to do with our Saturday (B isn't coming until tomorrow, he's on his way to York for P2, and will stop nearby to see his mother). T's got a meditation class today from 9am-1pm, and then we may go on a hike without Dax. When we receive Dax's ashes we may well sprinkle them along the hiking trail, it was Dax's favorite place in the entire world. I was able to take him there many a morning during this Quarantine fall and winter, he'd run around off leash investigating the changing of the seasons. I haven't taken him on a hike recently, because I was switching over to running in the warmer weather -- and he couldn't run with me anymore -- and I was starting to feel concerned that hiking was too much exercise for him. One of the things I was trying to blame for his recent complicated symptoms.
But Dax was happily on a hike with T as recently as last weekend, despite the symptoms and pains he must have been feeling. T sent me a joyous picture of Dax while I was alone at the condo, that had me in a good mood about them both as I had the luxury of feeling grumpy about work stuff. [I just now finally opened my six-month evaluation from my Boss, it was unremarkable.]
It's tough starting this first day without Dax. In so many ways our lives were organized around his needs (and also the cats' needs). Dog beds and dog crates all over the house, the big dog ramp we bought for the master bed when Dax's shoulders started hurting. We'll have to toss all the opened food, medicine, and supplements, but we have a month's worth of unopened food that we can donate to the local animal shelter after I get my 90% Pfizer shield. T is going to return the unopened supplements to Amazon for a refund.
Goddess, this hurts. I think I haven't hurt this much from a loss since KWC and I broke up in the late 1990s. I've felt some temporary grief with respect to K at times, like when he moved out as they2 broke up, or when our relationship has changed from local to long distance (more than once!), but I still have K firmly in my life and before yesterday he'd told me he was planning to visit me after his second shot. KWC is still around also, we have a good friendship, I should reach out to him this weekend, he knows what it is like to lose a dog. He'll probably be keen to see me after P2+14, as is Sir Ben. I should talk with some people on the phone today. Yeah, this hurts. Never in my adult life have I cried so hard and so immediately as I did yesterday morning when the vet told us on the phone that we should consider euthanasia for Dax. T had to tell the vet we'd call him back as I completely fell apart, something I've never done since I was a small child.
I did speak with T this morning about how we'd both have more time and space in our lives now, with somewhat less responsibility. As with a puppy, an elder dog can be a handful, especially a sick one. The cats are much more independent and could be left alone overnight or even for a weekend. I would not have willingly chosen this trade off, but I knew it would happen eventually -- as you all know it has been part of my planning for later in this decade as I approach retirement. I was pretty sure Dax would not last until 2027. The cats, I'm not so sure, they aren't showing any signs of advanced aging and usually live longer than dogs.
For his breed combination, a 10-year span was not unusual, but we'd done our work to keep him active and at a healthy weight, we thought we had a few more years with him. Alas, it is the healther ones who tend to get cancer, because all of us will get cancer eventually, if our major organs stay healthy long enough. Cancer is a daily roll of the dice that gets steadily worse as you get older. The type of cancer Dax had -- so incredibly aggressive -- is fairly common in a dog his age, the vet said about 10% of dogs die from it. And there's no cure for it. No known way to avoid it either. A roll of the dice every day. We kept him healthy until his number came up.
I felt a little guilty for not taking him on a walk on Thursday, but I was feeling sleepy after the drive to York and the symptoms from the second shot came on within hours. Instead, after my napping, I proposed that PIZZA PIZZA dinner that Dax enjoyed so much. We hadn't been eating any pizza lately because T has been on a diet, and without new Star Trek he had been skipping our Thursday date nights. T is thankful that I proposed PIZZA PIZZA for what turned out to be Dax's last night with us. T said, "I know you weren't thinking of it as his last night. Instead you were living in the moment, trying to give Dax (and me) the best night we could have. I appreciate what you did for us."
I told T this morning that I feel inadequate at times in my ability to support him, or others, through difficult times. I'm an introvert, On The Spectrum, and have been learning many of my interpersonal skills late in life. T charitably said, "Nobody is rating you." LOL, he's definitely rated me poorly in the past. Well, I received high marks for how I handled Thursday night, our last night with Dax. I can live with that.
One of T's friends sent us a batch of fresh cookies via UberEats last night. So, cookies for breakfast! And lunch! At least I'm eating something.
But Dax was happily on a hike with T as recently as last weekend, despite the symptoms and pains he must have been feeling. T sent me a joyous picture of Dax while I was alone at the condo, that had me in a good mood about them both as I had the luxury of feeling grumpy about work stuff. [I just now finally opened my six-month evaluation from my Boss, it was unremarkable.]
It's tough starting this first day without Dax. In so many ways our lives were organized around his needs (and also the cats' needs). Dog beds and dog crates all over the house, the big dog ramp we bought for the master bed when Dax's shoulders started hurting. We'll have to toss all the opened food, medicine, and supplements, but we have a month's worth of unopened food that we can donate to the local animal shelter after I get my 90% Pfizer shield. T is going to return the unopened supplements to Amazon for a refund.
Goddess, this hurts. I think I haven't hurt this much from a loss since KWC and I broke up in the late 1990s. I've felt some temporary grief with respect to K at times, like when he moved out as they2 broke up, or when our relationship has changed from local to long distance (more than once!), but I still have K firmly in my life and before yesterday he'd told me he was planning to visit me after his second shot. KWC is still around also, we have a good friendship, I should reach out to him this weekend, he knows what it is like to lose a dog. He'll probably be keen to see me after P2+14, as is Sir Ben. I should talk with some people on the phone today. Yeah, this hurts. Never in my adult life have I cried so hard and so immediately as I did yesterday morning when the vet told us on the phone that we should consider euthanasia for Dax. T had to tell the vet we'd call him back as I completely fell apart, something I've never done since I was a small child.
I did speak with T this morning about how we'd both have more time and space in our lives now, with somewhat less responsibility. As with a puppy, an elder dog can be a handful, especially a sick one. The cats are much more independent and could be left alone overnight or even for a weekend. I would not have willingly chosen this trade off, but I knew it would happen eventually -- as you all know it has been part of my planning for later in this decade as I approach retirement. I was pretty sure Dax would not last until 2027. The cats, I'm not so sure, they aren't showing any signs of advanced aging and usually live longer than dogs.
For his breed combination, a 10-year span was not unusual, but we'd done our work to keep him active and at a healthy weight, we thought we had a few more years with him. Alas, it is the healther ones who tend to get cancer, because all of us will get cancer eventually, if our major organs stay healthy long enough. Cancer is a daily roll of the dice that gets steadily worse as you get older. The type of cancer Dax had -- so incredibly aggressive -- is fairly common in a dog his age, the vet said about 10% of dogs die from it. And there's no cure for it. No known way to avoid it either. A roll of the dice every day. We kept him healthy until his number came up.
I felt a little guilty for not taking him on a walk on Thursday, but I was feeling sleepy after the drive to York and the symptoms from the second shot came on within hours. Instead, after my napping, I proposed that PIZZA PIZZA dinner that Dax enjoyed so much. We hadn't been eating any pizza lately because T has been on a diet, and without new Star Trek he had been skipping our Thursday date nights. T is thankful that I proposed PIZZA PIZZA for what turned out to be Dax's last night with us. T said, "I know you weren't thinking of it as his last night. Instead you were living in the moment, trying to give Dax (and me) the best night we could have. I appreciate what you did for us."
I told T this morning that I feel inadequate at times in my ability to support him, or others, through difficult times. I'm an introvert, On The Spectrum, and have been learning many of my interpersonal skills late in life. T charitably said, "Nobody is rating you." LOL, he's definitely rated me poorly in the past. Well, I received high marks for how I handled Thursday night, our last night with Dax. I can live with that.
One of T's friends sent us a batch of fresh cookies via UberEats last night. So, cookies for breakfast! And lunch! At least I'm eating something.