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Thank Goddess it isn't also a Maids Day. I have another week before I have to face that again.
OK, took out the trash & recycling in 12 minutes, all by myself. T offered to help.
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I looked up some info on cats, and although our cats are at least a couple months older than Dax was, in human terms they are still in their 50s, they should have a ways to go yet, as they live safe and gentle lives entirely indoors. They could well live into my retirement years, but I could take care of them myself in a new dwelling if it came to that, they are much more independent than Dax was. I would delay an international relocation while they are still alive, however. Aren't there issues with moving cats to a new country? Especially at the advanced ages they would be at by then.
I also reviewed the information on my kidney cysts, to remind myself that the dull pains I feel in my kidneys from time to time are normal with this condition and not a sign that I'm dying from cancer next week. Yes, I had another panic attack last night, while cooking dinner. T talked me through it.
As for T and the rest of you, I'll try not to imagine that just because Dax died suddenly from cancer that all the rest of you will too.
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Although T's trip to B's tomorrow night is a coin flip, depending on how either of us feels about it tomorrow, T & B surprised me by discussing an Away Trip for this weekend. Given that I'm currently having daily panic attacks, I'm somewhat anxious about being alone for an entire weekend. We agreed to wait until Wednesday to discuss it further.
Intellectually, I think it would be criminal for me to stand in the way of a Weekend Getaway for the two of them after they've been physically distant from each other for so long, but I wasn't having daily panic attacks, I was, up until Friday, looking forward to my next Time to Self.
I may need to speak with some of my closest friends on the phone more often until these panic attacks settle down. If I lived by myself right now, I'd be seeking overnight stays with other people, or emergency psychiatric help. But it seems having T physically present is enough for now. I'm not going to require that he remain physically present -- I will find other coping mechanisms, damn it.
Anyway, I'm not currently panicking.
I will prepare for a gentle 3-mile run and see how much work I can get done today. I need to close out Dax's account with the pet health insurance company -- file the final claims and stop the monthly premium. I need to do laundry and dishes, clean the cat litter, water the plants, all the normal chores except for those related to Dax. I have been permanently relieved of Dax duty. But I may continue to take afternoon walks to the playground without him for a while. As a way of remembering him. I did that on Saturday as I spoke with K on the phone.
And I'll try to meditate daily.
And soon, very soon, I'll have my 90% badge and can start to expand my social bubble beyond T & B. Carefully at first. I'm having a difficult time imagining myself going to a multi-household group gathering as yet, even if all guests claim to be fully vaccinated, although I've been invited to one next month. Ideally I'd like to start smaller. Like a snuggle date with one other person. We'll see.
OK, took out the trash & recycling in 12 minutes, all by myself. T offered to help.
-----
I looked up some info on cats, and although our cats are at least a couple months older than Dax was, in human terms they are still in their 50s, they should have a ways to go yet, as they live safe and gentle lives entirely indoors. They could well live into my retirement years, but I could take care of them myself in a new dwelling if it came to that, they are much more independent than Dax was. I would delay an international relocation while they are still alive, however. Aren't there issues with moving cats to a new country? Especially at the advanced ages they would be at by then.
I also reviewed the information on my kidney cysts, to remind myself that the dull pains I feel in my kidneys from time to time are normal with this condition and not a sign that I'm dying from cancer next week. Yes, I had another panic attack last night, while cooking dinner. T talked me through it.
As for T and the rest of you, I'll try not to imagine that just because Dax died suddenly from cancer that all the rest of you will too.
-----
Although T's trip to B's tomorrow night is a coin flip, depending on how either of us feels about it tomorrow, T & B surprised me by discussing an Away Trip for this weekend. Given that I'm currently having daily panic attacks, I'm somewhat anxious about being alone for an entire weekend. We agreed to wait until Wednesday to discuss it further.
Intellectually, I think it would be criminal for me to stand in the way of a Weekend Getaway for the two of them after they've been physically distant from each other for so long, but I wasn't having daily panic attacks, I was, up until Friday, looking forward to my next Time to Self.
I may need to speak with some of my closest friends on the phone more often until these panic attacks settle down. If I lived by myself right now, I'd be seeking overnight stays with other people, or emergency psychiatric help. But it seems having T physically present is enough for now. I'm not going to require that he remain physically present -- I will find other coping mechanisms, damn it.
Anyway, I'm not currently panicking.
I will prepare for a gentle 3-mile run and see how much work I can get done today. I need to close out Dax's account with the pet health insurance company -- file the final claims and stop the monthly premium. I need to do laundry and dishes, clean the cat litter, water the plants, all the normal chores except for those related to Dax. I have been permanently relieved of Dax duty. But I may continue to take afternoon walks to the playground without him for a while. As a way of remembering him. I did that on Saturday as I spoke with K on the phone.
And I'll try to meditate daily.
And soon, very soon, I'll have my 90% badge and can start to expand my social bubble beyond T & B. Carefully at first. I'm having a difficult time imagining myself going to a multi-household group gathering as yet, even if all guests claim to be fully vaccinated, although I've been invited to one next month. Ideally I'd like to start smaller. Like a snuggle date with one other person. We'll see.
