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my memories are manufacturing nonexistent mistakes to torture me
meta-Buffy post
10 April 2021 20:02I made fun of how none of the Scooby Gang would die in this book (others died), but Buffy the Vampire Slayer was all about death, or avoiding death.
Survival amongst death, for some.
Strong women dealing death to demons. Demons dealing death to everybody else. Strong women saving the world.
And Buffy never gets a man, relationships never work on Buffy, it's part of the narrative tension of some US TV shows, that relationships never work, like Sex in the City,
But it was good to have strong single people represented. To have a woman who is not defined by her husband represented. Despite whatever assholishness Joss Whedon has committed, he gave us this cultural representation of strong single women and a lesbian couple!, and he gave us cultural representation of grief,
We grieve poorly in the US. We do not pay enough attention to our ancestors and the cycle of life. The past and the future. What we will leave behind, and those who are left behind.
Survival amongst death, for some.
Strong women dealing death to demons. Demons dealing death to everybody else. Strong women saving the world.
And Buffy never gets a man, relationships never work on Buffy, it's part of the narrative tension of some US TV shows, that relationships never work, like Sex in the City,
But it was good to have strong single people represented. To have a woman who is not defined by her husband represented. Despite whatever assholishness Joss Whedon has committed, he gave us this cultural representation of strong single women and a lesbian couple!, and he gave us cultural representation of grief,
We grieve poorly in the US. We do not pay enough attention to our ancestors and the cycle of life. The past and the future. What we will leave behind, and those who are left behind.
If ever I need several good cries I will queue up this season again, damn
so much loss, so many left behind, so far a distance,
reminds me of the end of His Dark Materials,
-----
My sister warned me that she only liked this show through season 3, that when the focus moved to the next generation it was not as interesting, but at this point I know the characters well enough that all their emotions ring true and through and vibrate my own heart and drive my tears. I don't know that this show is for everyone, it gets horribly gruesome, but that's why the show grabs me. Love shredded by brutality, yet love.
so much loss, so many left behind, so far a distance,
reminds me of the end of His Dark Materials,
-----
My sister warned me that she only liked this show through season 3, that when the focus moved to the next generation it was not as interesting, but at this point I know the characters well enough that all their emotions ring true and through and vibrate my own heart and drive my tears. I don't know that this show is for everyone, it gets horribly gruesome, but that's why the show grabs me. Love shredded by brutality, yet love.
K had recommended that I watch Euphoria, and I did try the first episode at some point, but I'm super picky about entering into new fictional universes ... each universe costs me something ... (I didn't feel that way as a child ...)
Sometimes I prefer reruns of the old fictional universes (OCD?), no toll charge for re-entry, play everything on loop,
All these stories people want to tell, listen to me, come into my head, no come into my head, the infosmog, the infinitesimal and fractal choices ... remind me of the Buffy episode where sudden unwanted universal telepathy drives her mad ... too much empathy ... but it's OK, it's just feelings, everybody is allowed to feel ... I'm allowed to feel
-----
Yesterday K suggested that I watch the holiday special episode of Euphoria: "Trouble Don't Last Always". He thought I didn't need all the backstory, I could jump in here, and he was right, although the first scene feels disconnected from the rest ...
It's fantastic, I had to keep pausing it, like with Red Mars and some of my other favorite stories, stop and savor the sentence, the mood -- it took me 10 years to read The Mars Trilogy the first time because I savored it so -- and now I'm listening to the audiobook version after I read each chapter -- grinding it into my skin, like a cigarette butt, will this leave an imprint, this freckle is Red Mars, this freckle is Euphoria,
In the middle of the episode, I had to rewind and rewatch 7 minutes over again. And then I never finished it, LOL. I mean, this morning I did. I rewatched it all the way through stone cold sober. Damn. I should try watching the series from the beginning again.
You should be able to drop into the middle of a good story, and start loving it from there, maybe the next novel I read, I should start from the middle.
My favorite, favorite audiobook of all time, I still haven't finished it. It's too good to finish. Don't you have books that are too good to finish? If you don't, you're doing it wrong.
-----
Earlier this evening, during some difficult emotions, I remembered deleting my LJ, didn't I do that many years ago, during my Wild Week? Did I then undelete it? I remember lots of LJ drama back in the day, people deleting their journals. Maybe I only remember wanting to delete it.
Did I delete it? Then undelete it? What were either of these gestures supposed to accomplish, if they even happened?
But I truly did delete my GarageBand songs, but not on purpose. But today I started playing GarageBand songs again. I didn't save them, so I cannot delete them, LOL. It felt so casual, unlike last time, eight years ago, when I was grieving. Am I not still grieving, am I not grieving something else now? But grief can be casual. Grief doesn't have to work so damn hard, or put on a suit. Grief can also be easy, playful, and relaxing. Sometimes.
-----
I think what I've achieved in this Age of Surveillance is this: I write like nobody's reading (dance like nobody's watching). Here, anyway, in this backwater town on the edge of the Internet. My parents are dead, they will never see this. There is a freedom in grief. You don't have to perform for them anymore. You have only yourself.
Sometimes I prefer reruns of the old fictional universes (OCD?), no toll charge for re-entry, play everything on loop,
All these stories people want to tell, listen to me, come into my head, no come into my head, the infosmog, the infinitesimal and fractal choices ... remind me of the Buffy episode where sudden unwanted universal telepathy drives her mad ... too much empathy ... but it's OK, it's just feelings, everybody is allowed to feel ... I'm allowed to feel
-----
Yesterday K suggested that I watch the holiday special episode of Euphoria: "Trouble Don't Last Always". He thought I didn't need all the backstory, I could jump in here, and he was right, although the first scene feels disconnected from the rest ...
It's fantastic, I had to keep pausing it, like with Red Mars and some of my other favorite stories, stop and savor the sentence, the mood -- it took me 10 years to read The Mars Trilogy the first time because I savored it so -- and now I'm listening to the audiobook version after I read each chapter -- grinding it into my skin, like a cigarette butt, will this leave an imprint, this freckle is Red Mars, this freckle is Euphoria,
In the middle of the episode, I had to rewind and rewatch 7 minutes over again. And then I never finished it, LOL. I mean, this morning I did. I rewatched it all the way through stone cold sober. Damn. I should try watching the series from the beginning again.
You should be able to drop into the middle of a good story, and start loving it from there, maybe the next novel I read, I should start from the middle.
My favorite, favorite audiobook of all time, I still haven't finished it. It's too good to finish. Don't you have books that are too good to finish? If you don't, you're doing it wrong.
-----
Earlier this evening, during some difficult emotions, I remembered deleting my LJ, didn't I do that many years ago, during my Wild Week? Did I then undelete it? I remember lots of LJ drama back in the day, people deleting their journals. Maybe I only remember wanting to delete it.
Did I delete it? Then undelete it? What were either of these gestures supposed to accomplish, if they even happened?
But I truly did delete my GarageBand songs, but not on purpose. But today I started playing GarageBand songs again. I didn't save them, so I cannot delete them, LOL. It felt so casual, unlike last time, eight years ago, when I was grieving. Am I not still grieving, am I not grieving something else now? But grief can be casual. Grief doesn't have to work so damn hard, or put on a suit. Grief can also be easy, playful, and relaxing. Sometimes.
-----
I think what I've achieved in this Age of Surveillance is this: I write like nobody's reading (dance like nobody's watching). Here, anyway, in this backwater town on the edge of the Internet. My parents are dead, they will never see this. There is a freedom in grief. You don't have to perform for them anymore. You have only yourself.
