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"Monogamous"
1 January 2021 07:03A young guy was complaining on Reddit about how all the men he was interested in wanted open relationships. But where was he looking for these men? On the gay hookup apps.
I had a couple of different comebacks for him, one was upvoted, one was downvoted.
The upvoted advice was that if he really wants monogamy, stop looking for guys on the gay hookup apps. Instead, make some nonsexual gay friends, get to know them and their gay friends, and then after you've gotten to know a bunch of gay guys via nonsexual activities, ask one of them on a date. This sounded both wholesome and anachronistic, but it is serious advice. I've generally met my long-term partners via friends or in the case of K via T. I'm not saying it is impossible to find your true love on an app, but meeting potential partners in real life via mutual friends has been a tried-and-true method for centuries.
The young guy responded that it is easy for him to find monogamous guys on the apps, that's not his problem. The problem was that all the men he was interested in -- and he had very particular criteria -- wanted open relationships. At this point, it became obvious his problem is that he's looking for a perfect match, he's got too many non-negotiable criteria. He's just too picky.
-----
But then I offered some unsolicited advice for the so-called "monogamous" young gay guys on the subreddit. If you are really "monogamous" as you say, why are you hooking up with guys at all? You should be waiting to have sex until you're certain you've found the right guy, instead of fucking around. Of course this advice got downvoted.
Yet, I was speaking seriously. The times in my life I was single and living by myself, I cannot tell you how many "monogamous" guys had sex with me exactly once before ghosting me. To me, it was obvious they aren't really monogamous! They were having sex with perhaps dozens of people per year!
I'm sure they would all say that once they find the right guy then they'll go exclusive. I've seen that happen, of course. In my personal life, Missa is the latest example of a guy who was happy to fuck around until he found the right guy and went exclusive. Most people think that's how the "relationship escalator" works. You fuck around and date around until you and another guy decide to go exclusive. Then after a while you live together, then after a while you get married, then after a while you have kids.
Yeah, the relationship escalator.
But if you're having sex with dozens of people per year while claiming to be monogamous I call bullshit.
And you're also setting yourself up for problems when you do try to go exclusive. What you've been practicing is having sex with dozens of people per year, hunting for cock and ass whenever you're horny. You haven't been practicing having sex with only one person. Now, what happens when that one person isn't in the mood to have sex with you, or you aren't in the mood to have sex with him? In the past, if one guy didn't want to have sex with you, there were dozens more to choose from. Now, you're stuck. Your one guy won't have sex with you, or you won't have sex with your one guy. In many couples this causes resentment and then outright cheating. Sex becomes something they fight over. Or they stop having sex altogether because they cannot navigate their conflicts over how often or when to have sex. Then, they breakup over "sexual incompatibility" and go back to fucking around.
I know it sounds very Catholic upbringing of me, and perhaps terribly hypocritical, but if you want to be monogamous with one partner for the rest of your life, why aren't you practicing saying "no" to your cock now? Shouldn't your goal be that you don't have sex with anybody else until you find this one partner? Fucking around while looking for monogamy makes no sense. Why not embrace the behaviors you're actually engaging in? If you're acting like a slut, be a proud slut. Don't do one thing while saying you want the opposite.
I had a couple of different comebacks for him, one was upvoted, one was downvoted.
The upvoted advice was that if he really wants monogamy, stop looking for guys on the gay hookup apps. Instead, make some nonsexual gay friends, get to know them and their gay friends, and then after you've gotten to know a bunch of gay guys via nonsexual activities, ask one of them on a date. This sounded both wholesome and anachronistic, but it is serious advice. I've generally met my long-term partners via friends or in the case of K via T. I'm not saying it is impossible to find your true love on an app, but meeting potential partners in real life via mutual friends has been a tried-and-true method for centuries.
The young guy responded that it is easy for him to find monogamous guys on the apps, that's not his problem. The problem was that all the men he was interested in -- and he had very particular criteria -- wanted open relationships. At this point, it became obvious his problem is that he's looking for a perfect match, he's got too many non-negotiable criteria. He's just too picky.
-----
But then I offered some unsolicited advice for the so-called "monogamous" young gay guys on the subreddit. If you are really "monogamous" as you say, why are you hooking up with guys at all? You should be waiting to have sex until you're certain you've found the right guy, instead of fucking around. Of course this advice got downvoted.
Yet, I was speaking seriously. The times in my life I was single and living by myself, I cannot tell you how many "monogamous" guys had sex with me exactly once before ghosting me. To me, it was obvious they aren't really monogamous! They were having sex with perhaps dozens of people per year!
I'm sure they would all say that once they find the right guy then they'll go exclusive. I've seen that happen, of course. In my personal life, Missa is the latest example of a guy who was happy to fuck around until he found the right guy and went exclusive. Most people think that's how the "relationship escalator" works. You fuck around and date around until you and another guy decide to go exclusive. Then after a while you live together, then after a while you get married, then after a while you have kids.
Yeah, the relationship escalator.
But if you're having sex with dozens of people per year while claiming to be monogamous I call bullshit.
And you're also setting yourself up for problems when you do try to go exclusive. What you've been practicing is having sex with dozens of people per year, hunting for cock and ass whenever you're horny. You haven't been practicing having sex with only one person. Now, what happens when that one person isn't in the mood to have sex with you, or you aren't in the mood to have sex with him? In the past, if one guy didn't want to have sex with you, there were dozens more to choose from. Now, you're stuck. Your one guy won't have sex with you, or you won't have sex with your one guy. In many couples this causes resentment and then outright cheating. Sex becomes something they fight over. Or they stop having sex altogether because they cannot navigate their conflicts over how often or when to have sex. Then, they breakup over "sexual incompatibility" and go back to fucking around.
I know it sounds very Catholic upbringing of me, and perhaps terribly hypocritical, but if you want to be monogamous with one partner for the rest of your life, why aren't you practicing saying "no" to your cock now? Shouldn't your goal be that you don't have sex with anybody else until you find this one partner? Fucking around while looking for monogamy makes no sense. Why not embrace the behaviors you're actually engaging in? If you're acting like a slut, be a proud slut. Don't do one thing while saying you want the opposite.