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m_d_hSecond day waking up in a house with no Dax was not as bad as the first day, but we've still had some tears. We've slowly started to put away or throw away or give away some of the items that are only in the house because of Dax, but we're not in any rush to make Dax disappear from our sightlines or memories, no way. I made pictures of Dax the background photos on my laptop and phone. We'll probably keep all the dog beds and blankets for now because the cats use them as much as he did. T has kept mementos of Lucy and Edwina, of course we'll keep mementos of Dax.
T and I had cookies for breakfast again, and then B showed up, a bit later than I'd expected -- we drove to collect him from Metro and then went to go see his new home -- only from the outside, because the previous owners are still moving out, they were moving out their plants when we arrived. Then we went to pick up sandwiches for lunch, then had lunch together at the house, then caught up B on some of the details regarding Dax since B's last visit to the house two weeks ago. By the time all this had passed, I was way too late to join Steve & Friends for online games ... and then KWC returned my call so I spoke with him for a while, and then everybody needed to nap. So, online games was too much for today. Hopefully I can return to that activity next Sunday.
I've now spoken with somebody on the phone three days in a row. Weird. I mean, outside of work stuff. I talk to work people on the phone all the time. Phone or Skype or Zoom. I still hate Zoom.
B has a busy work week ahead, and with his arm hurting from P2 he wants to sleep in his own bed tonight. T gets his M2 shot tomorrow, but may go stay at B's on Tuesday night, if we're both OK with that. I'm not certain yet about spending a night by myself in this house without Dax, but T's not certain he'll go until after he feels the extent of his side effects from M2.
I meditated this afternoon before napping -- yesterday I was too afraid of my thoughts and feelings to meditate -- part of the panic attack I was having. T suggested we can meditate together when I'm too afraid to do it alone. I'm not normally afraid to meditate! This is a stressful time!
Maybe I'll have the energy to cook this evening, we've been surviving on cookies and takeout since Friday night.
It occurred to me that even if T spends Tuesday night at B's, I could still head to the condo Tuesday ... the cats would be fine spending a night without us, whereas Dax absolutely required human intervention every six hours or so -- or more often lately, he was peeing more often like I do now that I'm old, getting T up in the middle of the night to let him out. I no longer have to plan my entire life around Dax being able to pee and eat and swallow pills on schedule. It's weird. T and I won't have to coordinate our schedules with each other as carefully as before. Now it will be 100% about whether T or I need the other's presence or not -- and just make sure the cats have enough food and water to survive until somebody is expected back at the house. Weird.
Yeah, calmer today ... I always say that it is impossible to hold the same emotion inside your head forever, eventually that emotion will need a break. It doesn't mean I'll never miss Dax, or never cry about Dax, or never RAGE AT CREATION FOR TAKING DAX AWAY SO UNFAIRLY, but there are also other emotions, other thoughts, other things to do, other creatures to care for. As for the rage, I told T this morning that I wanted to scream outside. I haven't done that yet.
I think the longest I've ever held the same emotion before taking a break is about three days. One time I was super mad at T for three days, another time super mad at an unethical coworker for three days. My stay in the mental hospital was about three days. I mean -- emotions return, but eventually you get some breaks from them. Today felt like a break from the past two days, but not without tears.
T and I had cookies for breakfast again, and then B showed up, a bit later than I'd expected -- we drove to collect him from Metro and then went to go see his new home -- only from the outside, because the previous owners are still moving out, they were moving out their plants when we arrived. Then we went to pick up sandwiches for lunch, then had lunch together at the house, then caught up B on some of the details regarding Dax since B's last visit to the house two weeks ago. By the time all this had passed, I was way too late to join Steve & Friends for online games ... and then KWC returned my call so I spoke with him for a while, and then everybody needed to nap. So, online games was too much for today. Hopefully I can return to that activity next Sunday.
I've now spoken with somebody on the phone three days in a row. Weird. I mean, outside of work stuff. I talk to work people on the phone all the time. Phone or Skype or Zoom. I still hate Zoom.
B has a busy work week ahead, and with his arm hurting from P2 he wants to sleep in his own bed tonight. T gets his M2 shot tomorrow, but may go stay at B's on Tuesday night, if we're both OK with that. I'm not certain yet about spending a night by myself in this house without Dax, but T's not certain he'll go until after he feels the extent of his side effects from M2.
I meditated this afternoon before napping -- yesterday I was too afraid of my thoughts and feelings to meditate -- part of the panic attack I was having. T suggested we can meditate together when I'm too afraid to do it alone. I'm not normally afraid to meditate! This is a stressful time!
Maybe I'll have the energy to cook this evening, we've been surviving on cookies and takeout since Friday night.
It occurred to me that even if T spends Tuesday night at B's, I could still head to the condo Tuesday ... the cats would be fine spending a night without us, whereas Dax absolutely required human intervention every six hours or so -- or more often lately, he was peeing more often like I do now that I'm old, getting T up in the middle of the night to let him out. I no longer have to plan my entire life around Dax being able to pee and eat and swallow pills on schedule. It's weird. T and I won't have to coordinate our schedules with each other as carefully as before. Now it will be 100% about whether T or I need the other's presence or not -- and just make sure the cats have enough food and water to survive until somebody is expected back at the house. Weird.
Yeah, calmer today ... I always say that it is impossible to hold the same emotion inside your head forever, eventually that emotion will need a break. It doesn't mean I'll never miss Dax, or never cry about Dax, or never RAGE AT CREATION FOR TAKING DAX AWAY SO UNFAIRLY, but there are also other emotions, other thoughts, other things to do, other creatures to care for. As for the rage, I told T this morning that I wanted to scream outside. I haven't done that yet.
I think the longest I've ever held the same emotion before taking a break is about three days. One time I was super mad at T for three days, another time super mad at an unethical coworker for three days. My stay in the mental hospital was about three days. I mean -- emotions return, but eventually you get some breaks from them. Today felt like a break from the past two days, but not without tears.