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Today I had my most popular social media post of all time, with over 1000 likes. All I did was share a meme on the poly subreddit. I didn't create this meme, and I don't know who did. I saw it on Twitter, posted by somebody who saw it on Tumblr, but they didn't say from whom. The meme is not signed.
Something I'm finding more interesting than the meme at the moment, however, is that every response I've made to people who commented on the post has been downvoted! Over 1000 people are happy that I posted this, but there's a disgruntled minority who must be trying to downvote the post, but that's not working so instead they're downvoting everything I say in response to the post. No matter the tone I'm using, no matter what I'm saying, LOL.
Well, the post was a list of problems with "toxic monogamy culture". A lot of the comments to the post take issue with the word "toxic" as applied to "monogamy culture", because a large chunk of the readers of the polyamory subreddit don't like it when people criticize monogamy. I'd say about half of the readers of the subreddit think that monogamy and polyamory are equally valid lifestyle choices, and so there's no need for polyamorous people to criticize monogamy. Many commenters said they'd prefer to see a differently worded title for this list of common relationship problems.
Only a few people took issue with the substance of the list itself. But it seems those people downvoted all of my responses to them, no matter what I said. They were apparently pissed off that so many people considered the items on the list to be problems. I'm trying to imagine what kinds of people who read the polyamory subreddit would think the items on this list are not problems.
So I'm going to list these problems here in my LJ. You can think of these as aspects of "toxic monogamy culture" like I do, or you can think of these as generic relationship problems like half of the subreddit does. Or you can think of these as NOT PROBLEMS AT ALL, heh.
As for me, one of the elaborations I made which was downvoted, explained that for me personally, I do experience monogamy culture as toxic. I felt stifled by monogamy in so many ways: mentally, physically, emotionally, developmentally. I've been much happier and healthier since I left what I call "the monogamy box". I think it is important for me to communicate this experience to other people. I don't claim that everybody who is monogamous is toxic; I don't insist that nobody should choose monogamy. But some people like me do experience monogamy culture as toxic. Just as some people experience masculinity culture as toxic.
Some people wanted to point out there can be toxic aspects of polyamory also. Sure, share your own list of toxic polyamory culture. Some people felt this list of problems can pop up in any kind of relationship, and that polyamory doesn't necessarily solve these problems. OK! But I think this is a great list for anybody to think about, whatever the title.
My karma can handle a few downvotes on my comments, this post is over 1100 likes now ;-)
Something I'm finding more interesting than the meme at the moment, however, is that every response I've made to people who commented on the post has been downvoted! Over 1000 people are happy that I posted this, but there's a disgruntled minority who must be trying to downvote the post, but that's not working so instead they're downvoting everything I say in response to the post. No matter the tone I'm using, no matter what I'm saying, LOL.
Well, the post was a list of problems with "toxic monogamy culture". A lot of the comments to the post take issue with the word "toxic" as applied to "monogamy culture", because a large chunk of the readers of the polyamory subreddit don't like it when people criticize monogamy. I'd say about half of the readers of the subreddit think that monogamy and polyamory are equally valid lifestyle choices, and so there's no need for polyamorous people to criticize monogamy. Many commenters said they'd prefer to see a differently worded title for this list of common relationship problems.
Only a few people took issue with the substance of the list itself. But it seems those people downvoted all of my responses to them, no matter what I said. They were apparently pissed off that so many people considered the items on the list to be problems. I'm trying to imagine what kinds of people who read the polyamory subreddit would think the items on this list are not problems.
So I'm going to list these problems here in my LJ. You can think of these as aspects of "toxic monogamy culture" like I do, or you can think of these as generic relationship problems like half of the subreddit does. Or you can think of these as NOT PROBLEMS AT ALL, heh.
- the normalization of jealousy as an indicator of love
- the idea that a sufficiently intense love is enough to overcome any practical incompatibilities
- the idea that you should meet your partner's every need, and if you don't, you're either inadequate or they're too needy
- the idea that a sufficiently intense love should cause you to cease to be attracted to anyone else
- the idea that commitment is synonymous with exclusivity
- the idea that marriage and children are the only valid teleological justifications for being committed to a relationship
- the idea that your insecurities are always your partner's responsibility to tip-toe around and never your responsibility to work on
- the idea that your value to a partner is directly proportional to the amount of time and energy they spend on you, and it is in zero-sum competition with everything else they value in life
- the idea that being of value to a partner should always make up a large chunk of how you value yourself
As for me, one of the elaborations I made which was downvoted, explained that for me personally, I do experience monogamy culture as toxic. I felt stifled by monogamy in so many ways: mentally, physically, emotionally, developmentally. I've been much happier and healthier since I left what I call "the monogamy box". I think it is important for me to communicate this experience to other people. I don't claim that everybody who is monogamous is toxic; I don't insist that nobody should choose monogamy. But some people like me do experience monogamy culture as toxic. Just as some people experience masculinity culture as toxic.
Some people wanted to point out there can be toxic aspects of polyamory also. Sure, share your own list of toxic polyamory culture. Some people felt this list of problems can pop up in any kind of relationship, and that polyamory doesn't necessarily solve these problems. OK! But I think this is a great list for anybody to think about, whatever the title.
My karma can handle a few downvotes on my comments, this post is over 1100 likes now ;-)
