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T and I have both continued to cry today, from time to time. I even cried a couple times while I was running this morning, even though Dax has not been able to run with me for about a year now? But generally today felt like more of a relief. I was able to focus on work and chores all day, until I ran out of steam at 5:45pm.
We ordered dinner. Earlier in the day I'd either eaten or thrown out all the leftovers from the takeout meals we'd ordered over the weekend. If somehow we're both here tomorrow night I'll cook again, but I expect one or both of us will be spending the night elsewhere. T's arm is hurting from M2 already, it doesn't take long.
No panic attack today for Bug, and now it is close enough to bedtime, I don't think one is going to happen today, so I'm not having "daily" panic attacks. I had two days of panic attacks. T talked me through them. [I guess he's had a lot of practice with B.] And now I can take pink pills again for sleeping. I don't take them every night, usually I sleep drug-free, but tonight I will use the pink pills to enforce 8 hours of deep sleep.
I looked so sad on today's Zoom calls. All the crying has done a number on my eyes and my eyelids. I'm not hookup-ready like this, LOL. But I locked my cock back up this afternoon. It had been unlocked for many days, since the last time I chafed, and then I didn't put it back on, because I wasn't horny at all, last week was stressful even before Friday. But I'm locked again for now. It shouldn't be long before I see Sir Ben and start seeing other fellas also, and then my chastity won't be a solitaire game anymore.
After dinner I went out to the hot tub for a bit, while T attended another meditation sangha thing online. It's beautiful in the backyard right now. Not yet humid, not many mosquitos yet, but the trees are filling in. T has redecorated the patio with new lights and prayer flags (he is forever installing new lights in the backyard!), and I moved the tropical plants back outside from the sunroom. I listened to an audiobook about grief by a therapist. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is a universal reaction to loss. Horribly normal. Stupid universe.
I'm starting to get sleepy now even without any pink pills. And I smell like chlorine. And my sheets smell like bleach, I just washed them, and I bleach the hell out of 'em to get the Astrid hairs and stains out of them. She and I are both on my bed now, as I type this. I'm lying mostly upright on a shaped pillow pile, to avoid my GERD symptoms, until two hours have passed since dinner. She's resting near the foot of the bed, although typically during the night she edges closer and closer until by 3am or so she's up by the pillows and curling herself into my shoulder, purring. She's my wife, I keep saying. The only mammal I've ever slept with on a nightly basis. K and I are pretty good at sleeping in the same bed, but that's not every night, and that's usually aided by alcohol, I don't know the last time he and I spent a work night together.
But tonight is aided by alcohol -- T and I shared a bottle of wine with dinner. I got to drink most of it when he bailed to join his Buddhist group. So I'm probably 4 drinks in, plus dehydrated from the hot tub.
Getting sleepy. Need to brush teeth. May not need pink pills after all.
I miss Dax, but as I said to T at some point in the past few days -- with every grief I've experienced, I've eventually realized that I didn't spend every moment of every day with that person anyway. There's work, there's sleep, there's time to self, there's other people, there's all kinds of shit. Even though Dax and I were spending a lot of time in the same big fat living room over the past 13 months ... he spent a lot of that time sleeping, and I was either working or doing chores or on the Internet. I've thought similar things about K -- that even when he was here in DC I spent most of my life paying attention to other people/things, as did he. When we are together, I focus intently upon him, but most of the time we aren't together. Similar for Dax. Most of the time, I'm just trying to make sure my needs are getting met, one way or another. That's what we're all doing.
Wow, falling asleep now, with this laptop open on my lap, post unfinished, OK Bug post this and brush teeth and sleep.
We ordered dinner. Earlier in the day I'd either eaten or thrown out all the leftovers from the takeout meals we'd ordered over the weekend. If somehow we're both here tomorrow night I'll cook again, but I expect one or both of us will be spending the night elsewhere. T's arm is hurting from M2 already, it doesn't take long.
No panic attack today for Bug, and now it is close enough to bedtime, I don't think one is going to happen today, so I'm not having "daily" panic attacks. I had two days of panic attacks. T talked me through them. [I guess he's had a lot of practice with B.] And now I can take pink pills again for sleeping. I don't take them every night, usually I sleep drug-free, but tonight I will use the pink pills to enforce 8 hours of deep sleep.
I looked so sad on today's Zoom calls. All the crying has done a number on my eyes and my eyelids. I'm not hookup-ready like this, LOL. But I locked my cock back up this afternoon. It had been unlocked for many days, since the last time I chafed, and then I didn't put it back on, because I wasn't horny at all, last week was stressful even before Friday. But I'm locked again for now. It shouldn't be long before I see Sir Ben and start seeing other fellas also, and then my chastity won't be a solitaire game anymore.
After dinner I went out to the hot tub for a bit, while T attended another meditation sangha thing online. It's beautiful in the backyard right now. Not yet humid, not many mosquitos yet, but the trees are filling in. T has redecorated the patio with new lights and prayer flags (he is forever installing new lights in the backyard!), and I moved the tropical plants back outside from the sunroom. I listened to an audiobook about grief by a therapist. It helps to know that what I'm feeling is a universal reaction to loss. Horribly normal. Stupid universe.
I'm starting to get sleepy now even without any pink pills. And I smell like chlorine. And my sheets smell like bleach, I just washed them, and I bleach the hell out of 'em to get the Astrid hairs and stains out of them. She and I are both on my bed now, as I type this. I'm lying mostly upright on a shaped pillow pile, to avoid my GERD symptoms, until two hours have passed since dinner. She's resting near the foot of the bed, although typically during the night she edges closer and closer until by 3am or so she's up by the pillows and curling herself into my shoulder, purring. She's my wife, I keep saying. The only mammal I've ever slept with on a nightly basis. K and I are pretty good at sleeping in the same bed, but that's not every night, and that's usually aided by alcohol, I don't know the last time he and I spent a work night together.
But tonight is aided by alcohol -- T and I shared a bottle of wine with dinner. I got to drink most of it when he bailed to join his Buddhist group. So I'm probably 4 drinks in, plus dehydrated from the hot tub.
Getting sleepy. Need to brush teeth. May not need pink pills after all.
I miss Dax, but as I said to T at some point in the past few days -- with every grief I've experienced, I've eventually realized that I didn't spend every moment of every day with that person anyway. There's work, there's sleep, there's time to self, there's other people, there's all kinds of shit. Even though Dax and I were spending a lot of time in the same big fat living room over the past 13 months ... he spent a lot of that time sleeping, and I was either working or doing chores or on the Internet. I've thought similar things about K -- that even when he was here in DC I spent most of my life paying attention to other people/things, as did he. When we are together, I focus intently upon him, but most of the time we aren't together. Similar for Dax. Most of the time, I'm just trying to make sure my needs are getting met, one way or another. That's what we're all doing.
Wow, falling asleep now, with this laptop open on my lap, post unfinished, OK Bug post this and brush teeth and sleep.
