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The easy part of poly is getting to fuck around, the hard part is letting your partner(s) fuck around.
my last threesome
2 September 2023 17:17Online Sir:
Definitely. Not good if someone feels left out
Bug:
I was in a full-on live-together triad for a while and that was complex
I think if a couple wants a successful 3some, they should have worked through enough of their issues that both of them can focus on the third guy so he knows he’s not fucking things up between them
I think Ben and I can do that — we did have one threesome at MAL a few years ago
he introduced me to the guy in the lobby first, made sure I thought he was cute, then texted him to meet us in the room
and he wanted my world-class cocksucking, so that’s what I did
sometimes oral is better than anal
Definitely. Not good if someone feels left out
Bug:
I was in a full-on live-together triad for a while and that was complex
I think if a couple wants a successful 3some, they should have worked through enough of their issues that both of them can focus on the third guy so he knows he’s not fucking things up between them
I think Ben and I can do that — we did have one threesome at MAL a few years ago
he introduced me to the guy in the lobby first, made sure I thought he was cute, then texted him to meet us in the room
and he wanted my world-class cocksucking, so that’s what I did
sometimes oral is better than anal
Beats
A 2019 Scottish drama about youngsters who try to have secret rave parties, because apparently rave music was illegal in the UK during the mid-90s.
Recommended by K :-) My Best Friend w/ Benefits and Sir :o)
-----
It was really cool to spend time with T and B last night and this morning, felt like it used to, felt like when it was working all around. At least I'm willing to forgive the interregnum. B seems baptized by the ordeal of living with his husband during Quarantine, not seeing T for months, and then finally telling the Goddess Truth about his life and working it the fuck out.
I feel sort of fathery w/r/t him, 13 years older, and withholding my love from him while he was "misbehaving", like we fathers do :-(
-----
Had a great text convo with K in the middle of the night, I was up way early, he (Pacific Time) was up way late, we crossed over :-) I love and miss him, and cannot wait until I can see him again After the Vaccine. He's important to me!
-----
I can now add to my upcoming (TBD) snuggle date with Steve, a fisting date with [redacted -- one of my priors], and a bad movie date with Moose.
Yeah, I needed the socializing with T and B over the past week+, I needed it. I've been too isolated. I think they2 needed it also. Truly haven't felt this way around both of them in way too long. I hope the positive vibes can continue, everybody finally grown the fuck up.
A 2019 Scottish drama about youngsters who try to have secret rave parties, because apparently rave music was illegal in the UK during the mid-90s.
Recommended by K :-) My Best Friend w/ Benefits and Sir :o)
-----
It was really cool to spend time with T and B last night and this morning, felt like it used to, felt like when it was working all around. At least I'm willing to forgive the interregnum. B seems baptized by the ordeal of living with his husband during Quarantine, not seeing T for months, and then finally telling the Goddess Truth about his life and working it the fuck out.
I feel sort of fathery w/r/t him, 13 years older, and withholding my love from him while he was "misbehaving", like we fathers do :-(
-----
Had a great text convo with K in the middle of the night, I was up way early, he (Pacific Time) was up way late, we crossed over :-) I love and miss him, and cannot wait until I can see him again After the Vaccine. He's important to me!
-----
I can now add to my upcoming (TBD) snuggle date with Steve, a fisting date with [redacted -- one of my priors], and a bad movie date with Moose.
Yeah, I needed the socializing with T and B over the past week+, I needed it. I've been too isolated. I think they2 needed it also. Truly haven't felt this way around both of them in way too long. I hope the positive vibes can continue, everybody finally grown the fuck up.
The way the term "privilege" is thrown around these days, I could understand if somebody is skeptical about whether Couples Privilege is real, or if so whether it is a bad thing. Shouldn't non-monogamous couples be able to have rules and set boundaries about their particular instance of non-monogamy?
The problem with Couples Privilege isn't the establishment of rules and boundaries, most every non-monogamous relationship has rules and boundaries. The problem with Couples Privilege is when the couple designs rules that are intended to treat everybody outside of the couple as second-class.
The worst examples of Couples Privilege are veto rules. If one primary partner has veto power over the other primary partner's choices of who to date or whether to go on a date, then these relationships with secondary partners exist, or not, at the whim of somebody the secondary partners don't know and may have never met. "Sorry, I can't date you, my partner decided you're not my type." Or, "Sorry, I have to cancel tonight's date, my partner wants me home tonight." The needs and expectations of the secondary partners don't count, it's as though they aren't real people.
Also ranking on the list of worst examples are requirements that the couple can only date or play together. If you like one of the two, you've got to pretend to like the other one, or "consent" to playing with somebody you'd otherwise not consent to. Often one of the couple has standard good looks while the other does not, so they use the good looking partner to snare hookups for the less-desirable partner -- it's the only way the desirable partner gets to fuck around.
There's also what's called the One Penis Policy in heterosexual couples -- they only play with women so the primary male never feels his masculinity threatened. The primary male is always in charge, calls all the shots.
There are less drastic examples, but they all spring from the idea that the primary relationship "should come first" and so there need to be rules to enforce an explicit hierarchy. Instead of having fair and open negotiations with all concerned, the primary partners rig the game so they always win.
Couples Privilege doesn't have to be formal or mapped out in advance. It can arise spontaneously from a failure to set rules and boundaries ahead of time. The example I see most often is Primary A had a bad day at the office, but Primary B has already made plans with Secondary C to go out that night. Primary A demands that Primary B cancel the date with Secondary C, because Primary A had a bad day and needs comfort. Primary A believes that her needs should come first, because she's the primary. Or, after "opening up" the relationship for a while, Primary A decides unilaterally to "close" the relationship now because it "isn't working" for her.
But it isn't fair to Secondary C that her dates with Primary B can be canceled whenever Primary A is in a bad mood. And Primary B should not be able to blame his flakiness on Primary A being in a bad mood. Bad moods are not emergencies. Primary A should be able to exist in a bad mood without wrecking Primary B's relationship with Secondary C.
-----
A lot of the conflicts I see on the Poly subreddit flow from a belief that having a bad day means your partner(s) should drop everything to cater to you, or even break up with their other partners to cater to you. I've seen Secondary C complain bitterly that Primary B won't cancel a movie night with Primary A's kids to come over and comfort her after a bad day. Secondary C then complains, "Why am I even in this secondary relationship!" Secondary C hasn't been honest with herself about what she really wants in a relationship, she's settled for sharing Primary B with another family.
In the monogamy world, some couples can get away with this shit, insisting that you cancel all your plans when he's having a bad day. But in the poly world, this doesn't work anymore. Your relationships cannot be all about you, because your partners have other partners, and everybody has to juggle. Maybe, given a bad enough day, Secondary C would graciously offer to reschedule her date with Primary B, but you should not expect that, instead you should be able to endure a bad day on your own. Perhaps by reaching out to a friend or relative, or taking the kids to grandpa's for the evening and drawing a bubble bath, or going out into the back yard and chopping wood until you feel exhausted enough to sleep. Something other than demanding your partner cancel his other relationships to cater to you.
-----
This may feel far away from the example I wrote about yesterday: a BDSM Dom refuses to cuddle with his subs because he reserves cuddling for his husband. But it's the same thing -- treating a secondary partner as less than human in order to make the primary partner feel secure in the hierarchy. Human beings have emotional needs. If you are presently with a human being, participating in a BDSM scene, and this human has a meltdown, is it ethical to refuse cuddles and aftercare to this human because it would upset your non-present primary partner's sense of hierarchy?
Many non-monogamous couples do have rules that explicitly treat their other partners as objects rather than humans. No kissing, never fuck the same person twice, no feelings. These other partners are supposed to be sets of differently shaped holes, for some variety in the hole fucking, or to have more frequent hole fucking. If the other partner acts like a human for a second, you walk out or ghost them. "No way, man, you caught feelings, I'm not into that. This was supposed to be fun."
Many single people treat their hookups this way also, as holes for fucking. It's something I try to screen for when I'm looking for hookups, because I don't want to be treated as a simple sex object, I want to be treated as another human being. Somebody who deserves the basic respect of showing up and communicating and negotiating and being polite. I'm not into dehumanization.
For me, my philosophy of hookups was always, "If we had a fun time together, why not do it again?" But that philosophy risks treating each other as persistent human beings who exist beyond a single encounter. Which is who we are, in reality. Complex sentient beings who persist.
-----
I can't ban Couples Privilege, and I can't ban people from treating hookups as objects. But I can categorize and label these behaviors and pose alternatives and find these alternatives for myself. I'm not into monogamy, but I'm not into being a second class human or a sex object. There is a middle ground, that is sometimes called polyamory, sometimes called ethical non-monogamy, sometimes called relationship anarchism. This middle ground is what I advocate. This path between idealizing one human being as your one and only, and treating everybody else as objects. We're all people, all deserving of love, sex, snuggles, friendship, and time to ourselves, via consensual and open relationships.
The reality of this middle path is usually messy, but it feels more authentic to me than either of the two extremes. I'm not your everything, but I'm also more than just a fuckhole.
The problem with Couples Privilege isn't the establishment of rules and boundaries, most every non-monogamous relationship has rules and boundaries. The problem with Couples Privilege is when the couple designs rules that are intended to treat everybody outside of the couple as second-class.
The worst examples of Couples Privilege are veto rules. If one primary partner has veto power over the other primary partner's choices of who to date or whether to go on a date, then these relationships with secondary partners exist, or not, at the whim of somebody the secondary partners don't know and may have never met. "Sorry, I can't date you, my partner decided you're not my type." Or, "Sorry, I have to cancel tonight's date, my partner wants me home tonight." The needs and expectations of the secondary partners don't count, it's as though they aren't real people.
Also ranking on the list of worst examples are requirements that the couple can only date or play together. If you like one of the two, you've got to pretend to like the other one, or "consent" to playing with somebody you'd otherwise not consent to. Often one of the couple has standard good looks while the other does not, so they use the good looking partner to snare hookups for the less-desirable partner -- it's the only way the desirable partner gets to fuck around.
There's also what's called the One Penis Policy in heterosexual couples -- they only play with women so the primary male never feels his masculinity threatened. The primary male is always in charge, calls all the shots.
There are less drastic examples, but they all spring from the idea that the primary relationship "should come first" and so there need to be rules to enforce an explicit hierarchy. Instead of having fair and open negotiations with all concerned, the primary partners rig the game so they always win.
Couples Privilege doesn't have to be formal or mapped out in advance. It can arise spontaneously from a failure to set rules and boundaries ahead of time. The example I see most often is Primary A had a bad day at the office, but Primary B has already made plans with Secondary C to go out that night. Primary A demands that Primary B cancel the date with Secondary C, because Primary A had a bad day and needs comfort. Primary A believes that her needs should come first, because she's the primary. Or, after "opening up" the relationship for a while, Primary A decides unilaterally to "close" the relationship now because it "isn't working" for her.
But it isn't fair to Secondary C that her dates with Primary B can be canceled whenever Primary A is in a bad mood. And Primary B should not be able to blame his flakiness on Primary A being in a bad mood. Bad moods are not emergencies. Primary A should be able to exist in a bad mood without wrecking Primary B's relationship with Secondary C.
-----
A lot of the conflicts I see on the Poly subreddit flow from a belief that having a bad day means your partner(s) should drop everything to cater to you, or even break up with their other partners to cater to you. I've seen Secondary C complain bitterly that Primary B won't cancel a movie night with Primary A's kids to come over and comfort her after a bad day. Secondary C then complains, "Why am I even in this secondary relationship!" Secondary C hasn't been honest with herself about what she really wants in a relationship, she's settled for sharing Primary B with another family.
In the monogamy world, some couples can get away with this shit, insisting that you cancel all your plans when he's having a bad day. But in the poly world, this doesn't work anymore. Your relationships cannot be all about you, because your partners have other partners, and everybody has to juggle. Maybe, given a bad enough day, Secondary C would graciously offer to reschedule her date with Primary B, but you should not expect that, instead you should be able to endure a bad day on your own. Perhaps by reaching out to a friend or relative, or taking the kids to grandpa's for the evening and drawing a bubble bath, or going out into the back yard and chopping wood until you feel exhausted enough to sleep. Something other than demanding your partner cancel his other relationships to cater to you.
-----
This may feel far away from the example I wrote about yesterday: a BDSM Dom refuses to cuddle with his subs because he reserves cuddling for his husband. But it's the same thing -- treating a secondary partner as less than human in order to make the primary partner feel secure in the hierarchy. Human beings have emotional needs. If you are presently with a human being, participating in a BDSM scene, and this human has a meltdown, is it ethical to refuse cuddles and aftercare to this human because it would upset your non-present primary partner's sense of hierarchy?
Many non-monogamous couples do have rules that explicitly treat their other partners as objects rather than humans. No kissing, never fuck the same person twice, no feelings. These other partners are supposed to be sets of differently shaped holes, for some variety in the hole fucking, or to have more frequent hole fucking. If the other partner acts like a human for a second, you walk out or ghost them. "No way, man, you caught feelings, I'm not into that. This was supposed to be fun."
Many single people treat their hookups this way also, as holes for fucking. It's something I try to screen for when I'm looking for hookups, because I don't want to be treated as a simple sex object, I want to be treated as another human being. Somebody who deserves the basic respect of showing up and communicating and negotiating and being polite. I'm not into dehumanization.
For me, my philosophy of hookups was always, "If we had a fun time together, why not do it again?" But that philosophy risks treating each other as persistent human beings who exist beyond a single encounter. Which is who we are, in reality. Complex sentient beings who persist.
-----
I can't ban Couples Privilege, and I can't ban people from treating hookups as objects. But I can categorize and label these behaviors and pose alternatives and find these alternatives for myself. I'm not into monogamy, but I'm not into being a second class human or a sex object. There is a middle ground, that is sometimes called polyamory, sometimes called ethical non-monogamy, sometimes called relationship anarchism. This middle ground is what I advocate. This path between idealizing one human being as your one and only, and treating everybody else as objects. We're all people, all deserving of love, sex, snuggles, friendship, and time to ourselves, via consensual and open relationships.
The reality of this middle path is usually messy, but it feels more authentic to me than either of the two extremes. I'm not your everything, but I'm also more than just a fuckhole.
Couples Privilege
8 March 2021 11:31Had to school a fella on Twitter who thought it should be OBVIOUS TO ALL that cuddling and other forms of foreplay/aftercare are OFF LIMITS if you're setting up a BDSM playdate. I said there's no reason that an encounter has to be either/or, and that I encourage anybody who wants both to hook up with me.
He then replied that he does enjoy both cuddling and BDSM in one session but that's what his HUSBAND is for.
Ah, so this is Couples Privilege, got it. He didn't know what I meant by that. So:
Couples privilege -- when a non-monogamous couple decides together to have non-negotiable rules about their sexual/romantic encounters with other people, specifically with a hierarchical purpose to privilege the primacy of the couple's relationship. Such as -- no kissing others.
This guy thought everybody should obviously play by the same rules that he does -- snuggling is reserved for the HUSBAND. But not everybody plays that way. Lots of people appreciate foreplay and aftercare with BDSM. Many of us think that aftercare should always be an option upon request, for the mental health of the participants. BDSM can bring up some difficult emotions, even if you're doing it to have fun. I remember at least one time when I burst into tears while Sir K was spanking me. Other times when I became quite angry.
Part of ethical nonmonogamy, especially when BDSM is on the table, is having some thought about the emotional well being of the other sentient humans you're playing with. To insist that nobody have any difficult emotions, that this MUST BE FUN ONLY, that nobody should require foreplay or aftercare, is kind of naive.
He then replied that he does enjoy both cuddling and BDSM in one session but that's what his HUSBAND is for.
Ah, so this is Couples Privilege, got it. He didn't know what I meant by that. So:
Couples privilege -- when a non-monogamous couple decides together to have non-negotiable rules about their sexual/romantic encounters with other people, specifically with a hierarchical purpose to privilege the primacy of the couple's relationship. Such as -- no kissing others.
This guy thought everybody should obviously play by the same rules that he does -- snuggling is reserved for the HUSBAND. But not everybody plays that way. Lots of people appreciate foreplay and aftercare with BDSM. Many of us think that aftercare should always be an option upon request, for the mental health of the participants. BDSM can bring up some difficult emotions, even if you're doing it to have fun. I remember at least one time when I burst into tears while Sir K was spanking me. Other times when I became quite angry.
Part of ethical nonmonogamy, especially when BDSM is on the table, is having some thought about the emotional well being of the other sentient humans you're playing with. To insist that nobody have any difficult emotions, that this MUST BE FUN ONLY, that nobody should require foreplay or aftercare, is kind of naive.
I'm indescribably happy that T and B are spending two nights in a row together, finally. This is what poly means -- we're happy that our partners have other partners.
And Mark from Reddit, he and I broke into the poly stuff this weekend -- yeah, you had a Skype session with another Daddy, that's hot, I'd love to watch you get fucked by another Daddy, and Mark would love me to watch him, yeah,
in poly land we call this compersion, when you are happy because your partner is happy with another partner,
although this fucking Pandemic sucks, I'm happy that other people are happy :-) as I meditate here by myself :-)
And Mark from Reddit, he and I broke into the poly stuff this weekend -- yeah, you had a Skype session with another Daddy, that's hot, I'd love to watch you get fucked by another Daddy, and Mark would love me to watch him, yeah,
in poly land we call this compersion, when you are happy because your partner is happy with another partner,
although this fucking Pandemic sucks, I'm happy that other people are happy :-) as I meditate here by myself :-)
Now that K has left the condo, but the night is still young, how about I sit for 30 minutes after all. Let's use this new superpower of mine in the face of this complex grief. He's still in my life, but now he's physically distant. I'll be OK, but my life is changing -- and his is changing way more, for the better.
And, WTF, I should definitely meditate while wearing a butt plug again, that made it feel like forever last time. Not the same sort of trance/sleep outcome LOL. Unify my politics of self. Butt plug meditation.
-----
OK, it's best I saved the (butt plug) meditation for after seeing K, although that wasn't really any sort of plan. Or, was it?
And it was, truly, the most perfect meditation I've done in this series. I was focused on the breath all the way through, it was tight. It was necessary. No Frog Brain. No trance. No sleeping. This was tight.
I definitely feel like it was always will be NOW -- this Bug -- this Bug decided that past Bug should pick up Buddhism, should pick up Zen, should practice meditation, and all these years later -- after my father's death, after the Wild Week, after my relationship with T, and then the triad with K, and the breakupssssss, and my holding onto both/all of themssssss,
Tonight is why I started meditating before I even met these guys. I had to work up to it, so I'd be ready to meditate tonight.
Tonight is why I spent a year or so facing all my triggers.
I had to be ready for tonight. And I was.
Give me 30 minutes of meditation per day, and I'm OK.
And, WTF, I should definitely meditate while wearing a butt plug again, that made it feel like forever last time. Not the same sort of trance/sleep outcome LOL. Unify my politics of self. Butt plug meditation.
-----
OK, it's best I saved the (butt plug) meditation for after seeing K, although that wasn't really any sort of plan. Or, was it?
And it was, truly, the most perfect meditation I've done in this series. I was focused on the breath all the way through, it was tight. It was necessary. No Frog Brain. No trance. No sleeping. This was tight.
I definitely feel like it was always will be NOW -- this Bug -- this Bug decided that past Bug should pick up Buddhism, should pick up Zen, should practice meditation, and all these years later -- after my father's death, after the Wild Week, after my relationship with T, and then the triad with K, and the breakupssssss, and my holding onto both/all of themssssss,
Tonight is why I started meditating before I even met these guys. I had to work up to it, so I'd be ready to meditate tonight.
Tonight is why I spent a year or so facing all my triggers.
I had to be ready for tonight. And I was.
Give me 30 minutes of meditation per day, and I'm OK.
don't be sad ...
12 September 2020 14:54I don't like leaving T alone when he's sad! But I already made plans to see K, and I don't have many chances left to see K, and I can't cancel every plan every time T is sad. I wouldn't want anybody to cancel their plans every time I'm sad. And T's not sad about me anyway. Sigh. There's a lot of things I'm not able to be for T. I can spend 6 days and 6 nights there, cooking meals, doing most of the chores, giving him my evenings ... but I can't be his everything.
At condo, K is on his way.
At condo, K is on his way.
