weird nightmare

I woke around 6am, normal for a Monday morning (I don't use alarm clocks), but because it was still dark outside I accidentally fell back asleep long enough to have a nightmare.

I had to commute to the office, and I was running late, and it had been so long since I commuted that I was having difficulty finding my work pants, and a matching tie, and as I was running late I had T call my office to say I was running late, only T turned into my Mom, and there was a new office manager who told me I did not have permission to be late and I'd have to make up for it by coming in on Saturday night -- which made no sense -- and then I woke.

Commuting was definitely my daily nightmare, LOL.  I don't miss it at all.

So far I've even managed to avoid Zoom, except for one "after-work" office social function.  But upper management wants us to start using Zoom more regularly now that the VPN capacity has been upgraded.  Yet, we only have one Zoom account for the entire division, so we have to sign up to use it, and Boss's secretary has to supply the password, etc.

I'm figuring we're not going back to the office until sometime next year, but the one blessing from Quarantine is that I don't have to commute.

Some people will probably be able to continue doing their jobs remotely indefinitely, and some businesses are looking to save money on office space.  We'll see whether my own organization loosens up on the telecommuting, before the Quarantine I was told no more than one day per week of telework, and I had to have a specific reason like a doctor's appointment or an appliance delivery.

emotions

I'd thought the "K moved away" emotions would hit me hardest after two or three weeks went by, because during Quarantine we've only seen each other once every week or two on average, and maybe they still will hit me hardest then, but I was surprised by the strength of the emotions I felt within 24-48 hours of our final pre-move visit on Friday evening.

Probably the worst so far was when I got back to the house on Sunday afternoon and was feeling the sort of normal anxiety I feel when I transition between condo and house.  Strangely, I don't feel a similar anxiety when I transition from house to condo, because going to the condo feels like a vacation, whereas returning to the house feels more complex and is also tied together with returning to work, returning to T, returning to chores ... and historically I'd never know what sort of mood I'd find T in after I spent time with K.  And here I was having emotions about K, would T be supportive anyway?

I think it is important to feel my emotions without adding extra drama to them.  Nothing wrong with tears when a beloved person moves away.  But it's not The End of the World.

I texted briefly with K yesterday, they were en route to Madison from Cleveland -- they're driving the car and dog and valuables across the country over 5 days, and will probably beat the movers to their apartment by a few days.  I told K that he could have a couple weeks before we started our weekly phone calls, because he'll probably be so busy and disoriented next weekend.

Anyway ... a pretty normal Monday morning here at the house.  Chores, running, weight lifting, work.  A three-day weekend ahead, I'll spend most of it at the condo at T's request (he's got a multi-day meditation retreat).  I may start branching out my condo activities beyond the toy play that has been my main focus -- maybe set up a gaming console, rationalize the nest of electrical and network cables under the TV, some deeper cleaning of the bathroom, etc.  Making the place more of a Bug zone now, less of a shared K & Bug zone.  What would I like the place to mean for me over the next couple years?

Ugh, having to wait until After the Vaccine to engage in so many activities.  It will be tough to refill the space K leaves behind until then.  No monthly spanking parties is just one example.  So many other social activities, both kinky and non-kinky, curtailed -- I'd put a lot of emotional weight on "At Least I Still Get to See K."  But I will find stuff to do.

I remember after K moved out of the house, I temporarily filled my life with creating my own music.  If there's one constant in my adult life, I do not get bored, I do not give up, I keep busy and move forward -- I usually have too much going on in my life, not too little.

out of phase, etc.

The kinky boys on Twitter are experiencing Locktober, during which kinky guys lock their cocks up for the entire month of October -- including a lot of guys who don't normally lock their cocks.  I figured I'd be locked and denied for much of this month along with them, but then yesterday I drew a Joker on my first draw from the Cum Deck, so I unlocked and had my permitted orgasms.  Now it will take me another couple weeks to get crazy horny again, so I won't even bother drawing another card for a while.  But I'm out of phase with the kinky boys on Twitter who are going crazy after only 5 days of denial.  I'm quite sexually satiated myself today.

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Perhaps that's part of why I'm feeling somewhat blah today, adding to my overall sense of withdrawal since Friday evening, but I've kept busy and took a break to meditate.  T appreciated the dinner I made.  Dax enjoyed the walk we took.  My weight lifting is making great progress, especially my leg exercises, because I didn't have to cut back my leg exercises as I recovered from my shoulder injury.  Shoulder feels fine now, but I'm still taking care to ramp up the arm weights slowly, but enough time has gone by that for some of the arm exercises I'm doing better than in many years -- just as with the leg exercises I'm doing better than in many years.  Setting up the basement for weight lifting exercises allows me more frequent weight lifting than when I went to the gym, pre-Quarantine.  I think for as long as I'm living in this house I won't need to go back to the gym.  At some point I'll cancel the gym membership.

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I don't think I need to continue documenting whether or how much I meditate each day.  I think I've found my meditation groove, and it will only be necessary to comment on my meditation if something special or unusual happens.

Right now I'm not interested in a multi-day meditation retreat like T does.  I just want to continue the meditation habit, at a daily sustainable rate.

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Finally feeling more caught up with work -- not because I'm totally caught up, but because I'm more caught up.  I've got stuff to keep me busy, but I'm not feeling like WORK IS IMPOSSIBLE at the moment.

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B's husband is buying a house in the Northeast region of the country, closing on it next month, presumably moving out after that.  And then they will have separated, and then presumably B will start hanging out with T (and sometimes me) again.

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I want to process some of my "K has moved away" feelings before I start playing with somebody else.  I don't want to rebound immediately and form an inappropriately deep attachment on somebody else that won't last.  Take some time to feel the emotional and physical space before trying to fill it.  Do some things that I want to do on my own, that I feel I haven't had time to do, because instead I was spending a chunk of my recreational time with K.  I was spending 5-6 days per week with T & pets & job & chores, and half of the remainder with K, the other half by myself.  Not really enough time for myself -- the 24*7 telework with T at the house wears me out -- but time with K provided a fun escape and quality time with somebody other than T -- but I wasn't necessarily spending enough time on taking care of myself -- or interacting with other family & friends.

I'll have two or three nights at the condo by myself this weekend.  Time to reset how I think and feel about the condo and it being both my responsibility and my solitude for the foreseeable future.  It will be a while before K returns -- what kind of place do I want the condo to be when he's not visiting DC?  So far during Quarantine it's been a place to binge-watch TV and play with toys while surrounded by porn.  There are other things I could do there while I wait for other humans to become more accessible.