that's a piece of news I couldn't possibly avoid

Who is in charge of contact tracing the President and First Lady?

Even under the rules of my news blackout, there's no way I could've avoided this news.  Twitter sent me this news item as a notification on my phone.  T poked his head into my bedroom the moment I turned on my light to tell me.  And to get to the NYT Print Edition I usually first go to their homepage and then click the "Print Edition" link -- no way to avoid this top headline there.

T was just now playing an audio news story about it -- the reporter just said, "This changes every calculation about everything."

Really ... "everything"?

Wikipedia helpfully has a list of all the Presidents who died in office.  There's eight of them, half of them were shot.  Two died of diseases, but that was way back in the 19th Century when they still used intentional bleeding as a "treatment".

President Wilson caught the Spanish Flu in 1919, that's the closest precedent.  He survived, but never regained full health -- and later that year he suffered a serious stroke that left him partially paralyzed.

C.O.O.P. has been engaged

Continuity of Operations text messages have been sent to federal officials ... this is being taken very seriously ...

it wouldn't be my journal if I didn't post this

Betting markets giving about an 8% chance that his COVID-19 infection will either kill or disable the President.

went to condo, probably seeing K one more time after all

K informed me that the condo is free tonight after all, so I changed plans and quit work at 2pm.  Now at condo.  He also said he'd be free for a bit before 7:30pm, so I expect to see him briefly within the next few hours -- he's got one last load of stuff to pick up from the condo to take with him.

Slept in a bit this morning after some time outside in the hot tub last night, and went running, and did my weight lifting, some chores, some work tasks.  So haven't meditated yet.  Not sure whether I will, or whether I'll finally award myself one day off from meditating after doing it every fucking day for over a month and then deciding 30 minutes is the sustainable amount moving forward.  Which would mean resetting at 15 minutes tomorrow and moving back up 5 minutes per day.  Part of me is screaming, "We need a day off, we won, it will be OK."  Hmm.  The penalty of not posting in my journal again until I meditate tomorrow morning is not winning out.  Not gonna do it.

Nope.  I'll do 15 minutes tomorrow, and 20 minutes on Sunday.  That's a much more digestible idea right now.

my last hour on earth with K LOL

He's so stressed, in the middle of moving his family across the country, leaving tomorrow!

But he made an hour to sit next to me, while drinking a beer and talking.

The next time I see him, he'll be living in Portland.

It's the right move for him and his family.

We'll start our weekly phone calls in a couple weeks.  He thanked me for giving him space during this stressful period.  I thanked him for coming over to see me anyway.

Love

(I offered him $20,000 to not move away, LOL)

fuck it, let's do the 30 minutes anyway ...

Now that K has left the condo, but the night is still young, how about I sit for 30 minutes after all.  Let's use this new superpower of mine in the face of this complex grief.  He's still in my life, but now he's physically distant.  I'll be OK, but my life is changing -- and his is changing way more, for the better.

And, WTF, I should definitely meditate while wearing a butt plug again, that made it feel like forever last time.  Not the same sort of trance/sleep outcome LOL.  Unify my politics of self.  Butt plug meditation.

-----

OK, it's best I saved the (butt plug) meditation for after seeing K, although that wasn't really any sort of plan.  Or, was it?

And it was, truly, the most perfect meditation I've done in this series.  I was focused on the breath all the way through, it was tight.  It was necessary.  No Frog Brain.  No trance.  No sleeping.  This was tight.

I definitely feel like it was always will be NOW -- this Bug -- this Bug decided that past Bug should pick up Buddhism, should pick up Zen, should practice meditation, and all these years later -- after my father's death, after the Wild Week, after my relationship with T, and then the triad with K, and the breakupssssss, and my holding onto both/all of themssssss,

Tonight is why I started meditating before I even met these guys.  I had to work up to it, so I'd be ready to meditate tonight.

Tonight is why I spent a year or so facing all my triggers.

I had to be ready for tonight.  And I was.

Give me 30 minutes of meditation per day, and I'm OK.

I wrote this privately back in July

Meditation is the strongest of all the intoxicants.

glimpses while we spoke

Things K did, things K left behind, things K said,

I think K needs me as much as I need K, but we-me-K speak in different languages,

we're not over, K,

video game references

playing with toys by myself is like a Bethesda game, spending time with other people is like a BioWare game

knees better

I think I figured it out -- OCD crossing my legs at home during Quarantine was causing nerve damage atop my knees -- it was slow to heal, but it is definitely healing -- getting older is such a fucking puzzle LOL

some best recent memories of K

The past few overnights I asked K to push in the #4 butt toy after I'd warmed up, and he did, very well -- I should write a novel or something about how he'd come over, and I'd be in a jock strap, watching porn, listening to music, playing with butt toys, and he'd sit on the sofa, and we'd talk for hours.  He'd just hang out, while I watched porn, and played with butt toys, and talked with him.

For hours.

We'd talk for hours, while I played with butt toys.  While my cock was locked up.  And we grew into this situation over more than a decade, across continents.

Last weekend, we joked about -- I've got the condo, I just need to find a fella who would live here and allow me to come over one or two nights per week and play with butt toys in front of him.  He could live here rent-free.  Just allow me to come over,

Watch me, talk with me,

Bear witness to the life I've constructed, as he did,




I'm OK :-)